loaded gun.

Dont go out with a loaded gun,
For some girls are just playin.
Tho you can never really tell with a loaded gun..
Dont go out with a loaded gun!!
It may seem a good idear to you shot the wrong one!!

And so it seems the same words only a diffrent song, to be added too at a later date.

Dont you hold out your hand,
Because its hurts when you do,
I would go tonight but I know I would only bump into you,
And as much as I want to I know that would never do,
No it would never do.

And if in the night you feel alone,
You could call, but as much as i wish you would,
We both know with out any dout,
Its better left well alone.
Someone else can call your name,
I tryed but these tablets wont ease this pain.
So im lost in someones elses arms,
But it would never do,
No it would never do,
And only you could ease my mind,
I would call tonight but we both know that would never do..

And so it seems the same words only a diffrent song,
And I want to come back but I feel i may of been gone to long,
And these tablets wont help my mind, I want to sleep all the time,
But night time offers no release,
Cause in my heart I cant tame this beast in me.
A drink to much and I lose control.

A bitter End..

Its gone from a possibility to a definitely maybe.
I've never been so wrong,
It's hard to hold on.
The make up of a clown slowly wearin off,
It was my last defence, my armor,
And a pillow to catch a tear
Late night thinkin things a mother should never hear...

Doom.......

Maken pizza for one, every things wrong. The nite offers no escape, for sleep is so far away. Same shit, long, wrong diffrent day. But its still the same, for nothing changes, the world turns yet we stay in our same places. Diffrent faces offer no clues. Its another Monday nite and im still sad and blue wishing for rite but with wrong I have to make do.

Its not you its me............

Lay the ghosts to rest
for they are to close to the bed tonight.
And can you hear the rattle off the passing cars.
I havent loved in such a long time i am not sure if i am off any use anymore.
Passed my best and seen better days..
Well could two wrongs make a right?
And could i be a man tonight?
You say you arnt worried,
but i can see rejection plays hard on your mind.
And if i was to tell you it happend before
could you belive my lies?
Its not the best way,
and I pass out..
It seems i left you with some awful douts..

If you know when to stop, why dont you stop?

Do you rember last night?
You threw up and told me I'm shite
I tryed to click my heels three times
But nothing happend,
and you say nothing else matters.
And I would make my point,
But your to sick to hear me..
If you dont know when to stop
Then why do you start this every weekend lately?

I Wont Heal.....

You hurt like a scar that wont heal,
tryin hard but its impossable to deal...
with these things,
these things..
the best of times are gone
and its hard to hold on,
but sure we'll drink the night away
and pretend our worse fears are forgotten,
till we're alone....


You hurt like a scar that wont heal,
tryin hard but its impossable to deal...
with these things,
these things..
the best off times are gone,
and rember you said i would never be alone,
but i am tonight,
as always and ever,
to scared to lift the phone to scared to walk the streets.
To scared to listen to sound of my own heart beat..

You hurt like a scar that wont heal,
tryin hard but its impossable to deal...
with these things,
these things..
the best off times are gone,
and im scratchin to much for my skin to heal.
same shit diffrent week,
same head melt and heartach.


You hurt like a scar that wont heal,
tryin hard but its impossable to deal...
with these things,
these things..
the best off times are gone,
and i threw away my rights and chances so long, ago.
for your touch you just dont know,
how far my mind would go.

but

You hurt like a scar that wont heal,
tryin hard but its impossable to deal...
with these things,
these things
the best off times are gone,
and at times i wonder,
but thought got me here in the first place,
and it seems to have provided me with the worse case..
So it's best to let go while im waitin on the phone,
but you never call...

..

you can take your time,
you can dance in my mind,
i cant help but get everything wrong from time to time.
and time to time turns to days to weeks
to the point i cant say what i am feelin for fear of feelin to weak,
then distasters strikes,
and all to often i cant rember,
the black outs are all to often the only thing from a weekend,
and im lost and what can i say.
cheer up,
you could be worse off and you know it.
but it doesnt matter time after time,
and tonight it's you on my mind.

So.....

There is more to life then a empty glass,
More to the weekend then chasen good times and lovers lips,
More to me then you.
Everyday is the end of the world,
And The bottem of the glass offers no clues.
Every time you leave me a little less,
But i still come back for more of the same,
So who is to blame?
Whos name is on my biten lips tonight?
And I'm sure you heard it all before and more or less the same.
But I cant help think too much of too little.
Its driven me mad were are you?
A heavy head is but a drowning weight.
A brainstorm of a nothing more then a broken rose,
And I still come back for more.
But tonight i fear I cant even see past the door,
There is a world outside but not for the likes of i.
I am lost,
and sadly as much as I wish you would,
you wont find me at the bottem of this empty glass.

I dont know what to do, or were to go. With noone to talk to I fear this could be the end!

When does the pain stop?
What to do with the sound of these tickin clocks?
Were can i finaly find some rest?
What becomes of the forgotten, unloveable and or tired/stressed?
I'm lookin for a way out, a hint a clue.
But I though i would take some time out and write a message to you........

Be careful not to catch a cold from the ice that once was your soul.
A burden of unexpected weight, and dust settled gray.
I often wonder whats the point
when I cant stop the bad times from taken the good away.
I cant lie,
I miss the feelin that things could get better
like when your young and dont know any better.
But as the wether gets colder its ture
I know things wont change and to top it all off my feet are cold and wet too

Always On the Run...

I went to far and knew I couldnt return,
but i kept a strand of your hair
because deep in my heart I knew I would never learn.
So I follow the sound of my defeat,
the sound of a broken heart tryin to beat!

It hard to let go, when there is nothing to hold on too,
im confused tryin to make wrong right.
But as ever not tonight,
as we pass like strangers who never knew.
time passed quicker and now tho the blood runs thick
i need it more then i can admit too.

The problem with liven is if noone is loven you
who do you turn too?
How do you know if its a cry for help?
Were do you go to dry when your cold and wet?

rly?

Rember the time,
Rember its curse,
feelin the amerca dream isnt all thats its worth.
a fallin leaf, a sudden cry,
I need help and I cant tell anyone why!
For tbh i dont even know,
so only time will tell,
tho we dont have time on our side.
and I cant help but think wrong,
because right seems to far away.
liven for the weekend
as the day to day isnt liven up to its worth today.
and there seems no way out, confused and lost in dout.
lookin for a way out, but its just to far to be alone with you,
what can i say im confused.

two sides of the coin

Heads

i wanna dance, i wanna laught, want to live and make memories with friend who are class, want to go out and never return home, never sleep never feel alone. never forgot the night we cant really rember, another weekend another distaster such is life for those who push a little bit harder.

Tails

want to feel bless never a little less, a little bit over the edge, no more a weight on my chest, want to rest, to be able to sleep at night no more the walls closen in and no more reasons to hide, feel like im on for more then a ride, no more a one night stand i want to take a stand and be able to love and feel real inside! but tonights just like any other night.

bourboncreams & bad dreams, im missin my shadow im missin my self its now a question of mental health rewrite.

what is love but a stranger to help fight the demons
what is trust but a hopefull heart
what was she but a glorfryed one nite stand with plans.
broken expections and stealin blue skys to be true.
gray water i sould know better
but im really not old in heart to be sure.
watchin waves break the surface what use i am if im honest.
put douts away but when broke back out are even more.
im not playin these arnt toy guns im shotin for the heart
i need to be true. i need you.
im breaken rules in need to mend a broken heart,
were are you tonight?
tryin to fix wrongs that i cant get right
and i just need to feel the skin of another while i sleep tonight.
we dont need to beat the drum just hold me tight,
let me feel your heartbeat pretend i got it right.
its the wrong time for this,
it was the right fix and now i need it more then i can face.
put away the broken dream,
these things get out of hand and i will be damed
but i am but a man, i cant help get it wrong at times.
so put away the guns lets not fight.
lets pretend tonight.
put the feelins on hold.
i scared for what i dont know.
a man size pack of tissuse wont help.
i need to see your soul. back you over and see your all.
this isnt right,
i cant stop how i feel tho it might lead to more wrong.
we dont need to beat the drum,
i just need to fall asleep next to someone.
and im thinkin of how i could put the world to right
but i cant even help myself lest not tonight.
i cant even get it right, even if you'd give a fuck tonight.
old ghost wont rest they eye me in my dark skin of night.
the dark skin of shame burnin old flames just for what i need tonight.
im pointin the gun at someone i souldnt
but your not here to see it.
your not here to feel it,
and for all i could wish its not going to happen.
i said to much now i cant kiss your good self no more.
i said to little now your gone and its dark,
but the cold is good and wat do you want me to do?
i mean serouly do you even think of me.
im strung out lookin the water dephs. the bottem offers clues.
the sinkin feelin offers help.
the water offers a excape. the water cools.
but im a sucker for a sob story and im sucker for love too.
but tonight nothing will do
and i know there is no point waken in anothers bed
cause its still you i will be thinkin of when it gets uncomfortable after releasen the hounds,
when we get no holds barred.
when im left for dead....
when i tell another lover what i should be telling you..

sleep sleep sleep sleep no sleep tonight

the morring comes to quick while im chasen sleep,
bed time was hours ago but im to scared of the morring to quit.
my mind in over time my body too,
so sleep as much as i try there is no way i can find you.
curse the bed for it wont take me to my dreams.
the night blanket of dark wont stay long enought it seems,
and i dont want it yet to go and for it to be morring.
no sleep tonight to much to do,
on my mind are lovers clues.
there's a window chance i take,
the burden of a minds weight arm's it breaks.

how do you. do..l./.p;ppl..,.

gone are the hands that set me free
everyday feels like monday,
every moment im awake i feel as tho a little bit more of my heart may break
to far to care to near not to know.
i need more then i can show
to old to bold to cold to much,
i just dont know were to start and were it stops.
its the same over and over i go,
why wont life set me free,
stuck in what seems to be the worse of a bad dream.

Its 3 o'clock in the morring and it isnt startin to get light.

I am sadly i think becomin manic again. Thankfully i havent suffered to many lows, just one. Tho the highs have been plenty, infact on second count the lows may be more but I cant recall how many, when or were..

I am dreamin of girls, they play on my mind non stop. I cant stop thinkin of them and the thrill of the chase... I dont know if it is right or who is wrong? What are these feelings?!

At 30 I thought things would be easy to work out but my mindi s a whrill of thoughts....

a lonely battle that could never be won tonight.

some times i lose sight, some times i wonder why i put up a fight, but tonight, tonight is just like any other night. and so the warm burns me, it as ever will never learn me. and im still tryin, tho in the back of my mind i know at the same time im dyin. a slow death, a slow stop, killin me softly and i wish you would stop. but not tonight, tonight is just like every night. so im holdin me head on the cold side of the pillow cause im so warm, and i want to keep myself safe from harm, but harms always not more then ten feet away and if i could i would do everything my own way but not tonight because tonight is just like any other night, and with that i need her so, so can someone tell me were to go, if i could maybe find the one who got away then maybe i wouldnt need to numb the pain, alone out in the dark soaked by the rain i feel as tho my best times have gone and im fighten just to be myself once again.

thats it good night, even tho i cant sleep tonight..

Is the pain worth our time?
im waitin as always
but I know for all the waitin your never going to be mine!
So were is there to go were we cant be alone?!
im holdin back, but what is the use you already know the criac.
tonight tonight, i need you so, but as much as i need you wont let me have you.
im lookin, and im glancen,
i as always am chancen, my arm.
and you dont know what your worth.
but tonight as today as tomorrow i wish i could,
show you and hold you.
we could be happy and i could make you see
but chances arnt that easy,
and would you even recognize me?
could you even save me?
i cant live on maybes cause baby i need you to much to say,
but like always i wont get my way and the only way out isnt what i want,
i just want you to save me tonight.
but i cant even save myself and my wispers are lost on the wind.
So who am i to say were this might end???????????????????????????????????????????

i think its the last one tho i cant be sure were else to go?

Iam waitin for you to reply.
Just do it for im holdin on till the sun has gone and mid night has come.
Your just another in a long long line,
and to be true heart break is for me nothing new.
For even if its yours its still mine too
As i know the feelin to well.
So i wish i could make you happy, i wish i knew what to do,
But nothing is right and the world is sadly to cruel
For someone like me to be with you.
Searching for peace of mind to get it right,
But the tide has took what the moon cant say
And as ever its just me, fighten demons that would make the strongest of hearts flee.
So who am i to object if you have to go then please dont look back.

The Hunt.

The feeling of dread as i go to bed,
It feels nothing i did is like anything i said.
untie these ropes i cant feel my heart beat.
and the rain falls, and catches me unawares,
unprepaired, unknown in this dark night.
and still these ropes are soo so tight.
and i cant feel my heart beat anymore.
so the longing for something for someone,
but nothing will do.
and the rain falls cold as the night grows darker.
while i hunt for you,

who am i to say.

Loose change like loose lips are all thats left from another bad night.
Another tare, another tear, another day, another year.
And i would give anything but it seems anything wouldnt come close to do,
So another night of asking old ghosts what can i do?
So you wont hunt me the way you do.
So im waitin for a change, waitin for a chance, waitin for the last dance.
And after the sunshine comes rain,
cause every sliver linein has a cloud,
And really at this time off my life i shouldnt be so bold,
But tonight i wont do what as im told and for that i'am not proud.
So who am i to say,
but who are you to leave me a little bit less then i could be.
And tonight all i am left with is this small change and used tissues,
and these issues.

Isnt that mad.

As ever I am thinkin how mad something is. This time I am thinkin how mad it is that the world is so small and how in some way or other we all know each other..

Isnt that mad?

bizzy.

from a bambeano till the grave,
we're tryin to get high
yet i have no wings so how will i ever fly.
it seems as tho now time flys
and who will i be by the morring time?
manic just tryin not to panic,
do nothing in the moment but its hard
cause im serchen for the sunny days or even a way out.
but this is what it sounds like when thugs cry.
and all i do is try try and try to see how i can stay out
but yet back at the start i start to lose heart,
failin like a walkin abortion,
were am i to go when i lose faith cause the lord cant save me
and the devil is on every corner and at every bar.
so is there any use
or are we really just born to die.

lykke li

I really would love to meet lykke li, I find her music amazen and would love to get to know the person behind the smile!! Her second album I didnt think I would like then I heard a track on a mix and got really into it and then listend the album and got really into it. But this track here I have listend to many a time and it brings me close to tears (still not over glastonbury and findin the day to day life a struggle) as I would love to find a place were the highs dont bring me down!!!

Glastonbury and why legal Highs are not good...

I no longer know what day it is and the burnin pain has me in its grip, the two pints of cider nither calm the nerves or stoped the shakes, it only losend what was in my near empty belly infront of a small crowd. I thought I would take the day off as I couldnt stand the look in the eyes of passer bys, the horror or pity. I prefared the horror as the pity made me feel weak. Im back on the trail.

Its got to point I can hear my name bein said from afar and often. Glastonbury today I hate u, but in my heart I still love u u sexy. Lets dance one last time and make it a slow one for while the pain maight burn it will fade, and in time the scars will heal!

Work Stress and Unrest..

Dont worry about that pain in your chest. Its just the stress, in your fathers day it would of been sorted with a fight and a handshake. Now ther is more then meets the eye. Its a game, and its not one I wish to play I just want to take ruby a walk, her ewoke features could warm the coldest day. But instead i'll lay with my eyes closed and pretend im sleepin til the chest pains go away.

silence

The silence of my crimes. It honstly feels like im doin time and unable to say how I feel, instead lay clues in peoms and riddles. As I slowly die wonderen if and mybe my soul could for one night light the night sky as I leave for some thing else. I cant share the hurt and unable to tell the truth, I want to stay but my heart cant take the day to day and noone hears my silent tears of lost hope, a note and a rope, a razzor and a last goodbye. I did well to hide it but when u think back you'll see it clear. The truth sadly I never belonged here. So my words that were never there for fear u might understand and relise, then I would have to sort out these silent crys.

How do you know if its

Been holdin on for to long,

but were is left to run.

hidin words that kill your last care,

smoke and mirrors for all that you care.

This is no message in a card,

this is no message in a bottle waitin to greet you.

I dont know how long its been going on but I cant forgive you.

Your diffrent from the man i knew

the system has maybe for sure finaly beat you.

Details please, postcodes and such.

Your hungry and already had lunch.

In the thick of it and noone to help,

you are on your last life with only one way out.

The cool breeze warms you,
late nights harm you,
your diffrent from the man I knew.
were did your love go?
when did the sparkle in your eye fizzil out?
when did everything change so much to the point you forgot how to dance?
silent storms that freeze your soul bare,
the cold warms you,
your tryin to rember/or work out the point it all went wrong,
for if you were to find it then maybe you could make all wrong gone?!

?!?!

Well should i call??

Or as ever should I not??

She asked me, tho didnt give me her number..

I got her number, tho should I use it as it was given??

Confused and what to do?
I like her but whats the use?
I am a burnt out shell with nothing to lose...
Tho with nothing to lose means nothing to miss,
I could and may as well, tho as always im tired i guess.

Well...

I finaly split with my girlfriend. It has been the longest relsonship I have been in and fair play to the girl she put up with a lot, in away I seen her as abit of a saint. I if honest have never met someone so friendly and kind and her family is the same too. Although it was comin it still it is sad and these things are never easy I just hope that she moves on and find a man who will treat her right and if honest I would like to vet future boyfriends to make sure they are right and not going to fuck her over, tho thta might be abit to far!!

marzipan mondays, and its wednesday.

im tryin to move, but no were is far enought.

and i cant hide, tho i try and run yet stuck to the same spot.

its the land of the lost and noone can find me because noone is lookin.

im pointless and my faden voice talks of hearts broke,

a line of coke could liven it up,

but a cut could probly do the same with out leaven as much of a mark.

a bright spark thats faded and heart no longer worth a beatin.

what is the use in carryin on when everythings wrong.

who have i become?

And is it time i was leaving?

?

Why does it take so long to try and get myself off the computer and go to bed, I am not even lookin at anything or there is no reason to stay on but for some reason I find it hard to move.....


Melt............

Weltschmerz

You could make my sun rise
And I wouldnt need to be alone tonight!
I want to ask you to dance but there is no music..
And the truth is im here alone by myself with nothing or noone by my side
Barr my wounded pride and dry mouth.
Lips stuck to my teeth,
And in my heart no reason to ever return were you may call home,
It's just a empty shell of a house.
It's just round the corner,
It's not you,
It's me....
And I wish sorry would be enought but that would never do,
And I know what your thinkin but my dear trust me I'am the fool.
I could lie as I always seem to do.
But if time wont mend a broken heart then maybe the less of the truth you knew would?
And we could go on,
And I could do the paper run on a Sunday,
And we could be happy,
But I never could!
The dark of my heart as ever takes rule.

!?

The thing I hate about the blog is I often spend hours on end thinkin of what to write and think of great things but have well forgot them or lost the feelin of helplessness that I have when thinkin of what to write. So if you read this blog I am sorry I have probly forgot the best things I have ever thought of before even get close to a computer.

!lost love and old age?!

I have been thinkin of changing the blog, insted of poems and tails of lost love and melted headness and that, I think a blog of a old man ragen and just blogs about what I hate oon the day....

I am not to sure but it seems like a good release.

Today I hate work, it melts me. I hate travelin two hour odds to get to and from work then tryin to get fit in the gym after this. Eatting right is one of the hardest things, I just love suger so much...

Such is life.......

???

Do you ever looks at peoples houses, or like me looks at photos on people facebook (easyer then haven to enter someones house and look at it as you dont have to make the smalle talk!) and see photos of them in there house or maybe someone elses house, and look at the shit ornaments or stuff.

The thing I find most offencive is the shit art work that all seems the same. Mybe due to workin a short time in Next I have had more then my fair share of looking at this crap and so it hurts me more then ever.

For me I feel for so long I have no chose to choose life, I prefare records, art is more exsclusive to the point I probly cant afford it. Like when I check out sales and end up lookin at the full price stuff (why the fuck is that?)!!

I did a 6 to 2.15am slot for the belfast branch of my work today, it was a stock take, it was shit. Again I wonder am I cut out for this line of work and should I do something else? Is there anything else out there i can do and can do it well?

Help me................ !

A Royal Wedding.....

My girlfriends sister had a big party for this, but disaster struck at the bbq when she fed a bone to the family dog (with whom she is very much in love with, and the dog is I must say very much in love with her. I have seen the way they carry on together and its not a sexy love but that's of two very close old friends, like two Granny's siting by the beach with there coats over there knees smiling at you as you pass) and it got it stuck in its throat.

Tho what I would like to know is did they keep the food going or what happened? As i recall making a great Sunday dinner once and my mother got a call that my aunt had breast cancer, and were my girlfriend thought we should stop I was all no way this is the greatest meal I have ever made.

You know?

Monday Blues in the battle you never win and always lose.

A enternal itch that i cant seem to get even close enought to scratch,
not even close to a perfect match.
Were to go to get away from everything thats wrong,
The need to stop with the fear of carrying on.
To close to the burn to near to the fire,
To far from the good times to even rember.
One cup of tea to many and its not even wednesday,
Fuck I hate Mondays.....

Daniel Johnson

Running water

Running water

Where are you running from?

I aint mad at cha.............

How funny a great week then you get to the two days your off and its all gray....

A Little Bit, mental....... !!!

I need to get away from the computer screen, the glare reminds me of better days, the light of the sun fillin my room as I woke from sleep, probly a good nights sleep at that unlike now days and the cronic insomnia..

But there is more to life then green tea by a computer screen.

You spend the better time of your working day wishin you wernt workin only for when you arnt workin to just do nothing.

I love Lykke li's music. She is mental check this vid of her just bein mental, to me that looks like a good saturday afternoon in the park fun!!

Same Old New..

Im tryin to make sense of life tho I feel i have fell by the wayside tryin to be something im not, its me now the head of the pack and on the hunt...

Strange for I used to be the hunted and now the competition grows ever more to the point I cant even try to ignore the feeling that is growing like a child taken its first steps only to fall and then there is the tears, but I am all cryed out from to many years. Tho not cold just havent got the tears, havent got the energy, havent got enought hours in the day, havent got the time nor piece of mind....

Etc, etc...............

Rabbit in Your Headlights!!!

My new boss is gay and while on my break he came in and said that he was cold, I asked was he tired as when you are tired you feel cold and feel sore as I have felt many times. He replyed "yea I didnt sleep well last night, I woke to find my boyfriend doin something disgusting!"

Now stright away I thought wankin!! but at the same time I was pretty taken back, my eyes growin big like a rabbit caught in the head lights. My mind went funny and I quickly said yea probly cause you are tired I get that, as to quickly change the subject...

Tho all this has left me worried I am a homaphobe, tho I feel I was shocked, but then I wonder if it had been a fella talkin about a girl who I have been all "OOhhh what was she doing?!?!?!" I dont know, i just hope it wont affect working relationships......

Weltschmerz

It is bad when the highlight of your day is a squwashed ham samwhich......


Sadly the job I started isnt the job I thought it would be......

Tho its only the first few days I dont think its going to change and this has left me feeling down as I am workin a 30 hour week and losen 10 hours pay also incuren the travel costs of £165 a month.....

I am not happy...

opps i did it again.

Weird, it hits like a punch and settles,
I cant tell the truth because I am scared of what it will do!
And I am sorry for its someone else That I am kissin,
When I am kissin you.
I'am trying hard not to let go,
But holdin on so tight only hurts much more.

like a stone I'am sadly sinkin,
to the bottem of the seabed with nothing but a,
less thought more distraction, all heart but never giveing.
This is a after thought of the bearly liveing
no title needed no heart strings to pull,
its all you, tho you/her or it couldnt save me now,
all gone not even a smille.

You know..

I wish I could recall the tails I had about Canada but I cant really recall them now. What a shame.

So now I am tryin to sort out a job again, with little in the way of words on paper it seems tough, plus not knowin how to drive I think doesnt help. Also the whole poetry thing seems a thing of the past I havent wrote or thought of much in so long it does my head in as it seems like such a waste, maybe I just havent got low enought? Maybe there is futher to go??