You stay here while i carry my cross.

Today went well untill i begain to think about life. it was the last hour and sould of been stright on the narrow to get out of the place of work i spend 40 hours entertainin with out a wish to be there. fallin angels couldnt of saved me at this point, i asked myself a question "what is the meanin of life?" i ponder this for a moment and then i seen there is no reason for life. it just is, its a cycle which goes round and round and never stops(this is what pains me as well, you might of lost the dearest thing you, your very heartbeat but stil the buses travel from A to B, still the clocks tick, still people laught and chatter.)but so i thought, if this is it!? then what the fuck am i doin wasten my precious time, well is it really precious if there is no meanin in the end? to bang together to make a off time beat is the only thing to hang on for as all life seems is bitter disapointment. the worse is the no going back thought. and there is no way back. its confused at best.

Its seems when the weekend is near for some reason i hit a low. i think of times i've had and know i cant get them back, there gone just liek my cus. i miss him so much at times the pain is to much. he is the blade i cut myself when im weak, wonder how i could be so weak to miss him by a hour. and when the things get bad who will wipe those tears from my eyes. but thats beside the point and as always i have got side tracked. So back to what i was thinkin, well if there is no meanin, and then it means fuck it why not just go all out and do soemthign really fucked up. i think i might get hooked on junk. the yokes are no longer thrillin the coke is to much and left me close to killin................ na got to stop.

But serous on a note maybe lighter if there is no god, but there is good and evil, were the fuck does this leave me? i think i need a time out adn to take stock of my life. seems im stuck in a job were i feel its like high school with out the cool kids. this gets me down all day long. i miss the fun the laughts the good times. i miss bein happy. the feelin now is fleetin. all i want is to need soemone who needs me, something i can believe in. but i've said to much.