No joy in the drink.

 Every fart is Russian roulette.

Filled with regret. 

The bank balance in the red. 

And despite it all, 

I'm still sad. 

This min

 No beer,

No gear,

Bag licked and all that's left 

Is the on coming fear. 

But the mind is more settled. 

Time keeps moving quick. 

Bedtime has come and gone. 

But you keep standing there. 

Staring at the phone, 

Wishing for a friend. 

Wishing to talk, 

To not feel alone 

Like you do at this min. 

The rattle off the bin

Everything and everything.

Lick the bag as I'm starting to sink. 

Can't tell others what I think. 

Don't want to leave the house. 

Don't want to think. 

When I think I start to sink. 

No one's coming to my birthday party, 

No cake, 

Just heart ache. 

The empty bottles rattle 

As I move the bin. 

The sound of wise up. 

But tbh I've just had enough. 

It's not fun anymore. 

It all becomes a blur. 

Endless days with only 

My own voice I hear. 

As I drown in beer

Wondering how I got here?

Do the antidepressants work?

How can I let go?

When it's all I have, 

The past and it's hurts. 

Born

I admit defeat,

Oops a daisy there goes me. 

The words to a song I can't sing. 

Time and a friend.

 I'm hurting,

With scars thst won't help. 

Whispers I tell people. 

That they don't hear. 

I'm hanging on. 

But I've hung on too long. 

Out stayed my welcome. 

No one replies anymore. 

Just watches the end. 

Breaking down in real time, 

Looking a friend. 

Let me cry.

Mid life crisis.

Trying to work out 

What love is?

Why I'm always alone?

What did I do

Or what could I do, 

Or is it all just gone and blown. 

Noone calls or phones. 

The silence grows. 

Another night getting high 

Just to stop feeling. 

But you never stop feeling, 

And so the darkness grows. 

The time flys 

And bed time has come and gone. 

I just want to feel more then sorry for myself. 

Runny nose and sore eye. 

Wondering why?

The antidepressants won't let me cry. 

Second time around

Same faces,

Different places,

Different problems 

Different reasons for trying to numb. 

Different degrees of the same thing. 

Wanting to stay up forever, 

Wishing to keep ahead

Of Mondays pain. 

Running out of excuses, 

Credit card maxed out. 

Anyone wanna come with me?

Just need a a tenner from the cash machine. 

Just need to forget everything. 

For the doctor can't help. 

Work is just an absolute melt. 

Staring at my phone 

In hope of a ping. 

But everything is just

The same old same old

Second hand, 

Nothing new. 

Seen it before, 

And it was shit then to.

We did it all, 

See it all, 

And heard it first. 

The drugs make it bearable, 

But also make it worse. 

The saddest song

The sadest songs you every could hear. 

Put you in depression with one album. 

Then you see through my eyes. 

Think how does he smile? 

How can you laugh 

when the Burden bruises your shoulders. 

Cousin was molested by a married in uncle.

And that is just a small glimpse. 

Spent my life feeling like an alien, 

talking a language no one understands

 or is intresested in. 

Always last to be picked for the football team. 

In school always lost in a daydream. 

Life is more you just got to go for it. 

I swear I'm here for a reason, 

So I can't ignore it. 

But when you shinebright 

People try to dim your light 

It's too much for them. 

Jealous of your potential, 

know you are special. 

As you try to self destruct, 

As you can't understand the thousand thoughts 

That occupy your mind. 

Drowning in alcohol 

With enough drugs to kill an average man. 

But still you wake up on Sunday 

with all those thoughts on your mind. Dancing on a knife edge 

As ther is nothing better to do. 

The battle is a war no one knows bar you The tablets kinda help but at the same point don't,

 they numb you. 

You cry tears but the sounds are lost inside you. 

Mourning a life that's gone and left you. 

A Mid life crisis or just the fact nothing prepared you, 

Thst you would survive. 

You would make this age. 

Thst your book has many chapters, 

So turn a new page. 

The past gone and the wars lost or won. 

Rest your mind, 

Let the weight go,

Time to rest your mind and soul. 

Goes

 The sun isn't making

Me want to go to bed. 

Sitting up to believe 

I'm in control of my life.

Listening to the same songs 

A 100 times. 

Dogs giving hints it's bed time. 

But the coke still 

Is pulsing in my head now. 

It drips and I ignore it. 

Just wishing I wasn't alone 

And feeling shit. 

The meds stopped working 

A long time ago. 

My head over thinks

What was and could of been, 

So many to too many 

Times you'll never know. 

Nothing to stop feeding low. 

Shouting into the void 

Just wishing something 

Would shout back, 

Help make sense 

Of this broken heart. 

To feel more then low 

To give me a reason to carry on, 

Toast to Monday

 My dog sighs

My dark days, 

My temptress

My moment of bliss.

When the beat hits.

When we close the curtains

On Sunday.

And when we are swopping sims, 

As we ran out of battery.

Like a lottery,

No one wants to admit its Sunday.

Who's phoning in sick Monday?

Demon

 Up all night got demons to fight. 

BATTLES TO OVER THINK. 

Fights thst could never be won to fight again. Things I can't change to over think and reopen old wounds again. 

Tell friends everythings amazing. 

Though I can't sleep 

Again. 

Struggle as the ups aren't upping the same. The downs don't stop taking everything. 

The sparkle in my eye long gone

 and the skip in my step

Long gone too.

Hard to talk about it,

Because the demons feed

On those feelings too.

Logged out

 I choose not to choose life,

I choose

Sniffing a point 4 in one line 

at 10

With work in the morning.

Pulling a flump trying to cum.

Page 151 on hamster porn.

Late nite when it's quiet. 

Dog raging,

He just wants to hang out.

I just want to get wiped out.

Looking another beg at 1am.

Im lost in a maze,

3 years too late to be

Just a stage.

Everyones logged in,

But nobody's listen.

One more please.

The hunger for one more

Can't be beat or outrun. 

The beast needs fed, 

And the bad thoughts need numbed. 

You always start hopeful. 

Like it's just the one. 

But the feeling 

Doesn't last 

And you always think 

Just another one. 

Just another hit. 

Fuk sleep. 

Fuk work. 

It won't heal the hurt. 

It won't change the past. 

But for a short while

Ill feel class. 

Doesn't matter how much I owe. 

Or how much tomorrow I'll feel low. 

The moment right now 

The beast needs fed. 

The finger hovers over the phone. 

And the nose already feels sore

From the past.

Over

 A restless soul,

Own goal,

Did you get your hole? 

Did you know?

Did you hear? 

Do you have a pound

I could get a lend of?

Also could I get a light?

Talking shite, 

The top man in the south?

The hardest man in the east?

A place to stop all this 

And get some peace? 

Somewhere to rest. 

A life of stress, 

Wasn't born with good looks 

But a good laugh 

If nothing else. 

But I find it hard to sleep. 

Mind keeps me up

And won't stop 

To let me sleep. 

Can't numb the thoughts 

No more. 

The drugs aren't helping 

So much anymore. 

The dog wants to go to bed, 

And I want to try and

Out wit past battles 

That are over. 

9 to 5

Dead man's shoes

9 to 5

Monday to Friday blues.

Full time and can't

Pay what's owed.

Gas ran out and the waters cold.

Alarms test my patience

Telling me my breaks need checked.

Freezer and fridge empty

Got to pay the rent.

My boss stopped saying hello,

Doesn't understand the hurt

I hold.

Mask it all with a smile.

Wishing I could run free

Like a child.

The grass green

And the summers were endless.

We sat up all night having fun

Now we sit up cause

The melt is endless.

The last family man in the business.

The piss artist,

He who laughs the loudest.

Runner up and no prize,

Everyones got a story

In which he features.

But don't be let down or surprised

When he isn't all that.

He is the man with a 100 stories or more.

The man who isn't afraid of the dance floor.

The man with a badly timed joke.

The man with a heart of gold.

Who would share all he owned,

Never would mind given half.

All he ever wanted was to share a laugh.

You are

You are the blade 

I cut myself with when I'm weak.

The words I can't speak,

The empty bed that I toss and turn in

Unable to sleep.

The memories I replay 

when a certain song plays.

The yellow roses in bloom.

The reason my glass is always full,

As I try to drown myself

Or numb myself asleep.

Over thinking myself to a frenzy,

When I need to sleep.

You are my achilles heel.

Mean something

Leg day is everyday

When you are always

Trying to out run

Your troubles and problems.

Your fears and doubts,

Try to drown them

To weak to figure them out.

To far from payday

The credit card maxed out.

And the only time someone cares

Is when they can get something

And you give til

You are left with nothing.

In hope that

What you give

Ment something

Sore tonight.

 The bottle tops hunt me

The next day. 

A reminder how easy it is 

To throw it all away. 

To lose all sense 

When chasing a high. 

Noone is coming to save me, 

Maybe I'm a bad person 

And that is why?

Friends gone with no goodbye. 

Over thinking everything, 

So I sniff to ease my mind. 

Lose myself in the powder, 

Sniffing the left overs, 

Trying to make sure 

to bin all the bottle tops.

My chest hurts, 

My head sore. 

Trying to work out 

Why I should carry on 

When I'm so sore. 

Die by the boos

Regret haunts my sleep.

Keeps me awake, 

Stressing over things 

I can't fix. 

I've said sorry, 

I've said goodbye. 

I've dried all the tears 

That fell from my eyes. 

And sometimes it feels 

That it isn't enough. 

Other times it's okay. 

But it gets me when I'm alone, 

And the hurt doesn't go away. 

The meds don't get close enough. 

And no one tells me it's okay

You've done enough. 

No one stops the walls 

At night closing in. 

The mind racing, 

With no answers, 

So like a fool, 

I lived for the cheers 

And will die by the boos.. 

To be wrong

I've been wrong.

I've been completely ugly.

But I'm yet to die,

And as such

I still grow and blossom.

Somedays ugly others

A beauty that would stop you

In your tracks 

You could do.

 Sniffed well past my welcome,

But to shy to say goodbye. 

Trapped in paranoia 

And I don't want to leave

Just keep trying to get high. 

The sun taunts me,

Reminds me, 

That reality isn't too far away. 

And you can try but you can't out sniff time. 

No trip to offy can stop tomorrow. 

And no gear on strap will help to. 

You want to run away. 

But you'll have to face it soon. 

We were sold rock n roll dreams, 

Via movies and TV. 

But it didn't turn out that way 

As you face another 9 to 5 week. 

Leaves your soul weak, 

And the twinkle in your eye 

No longer twinkles. 

The skip in your step long gone, 

As you think of the things

You wish you could do. 

One more?

 I licked the bag

So the fun is done.

But I don't feel numb,

I still can think.

Poured the last of the drink.

Not sure if it will do.

Stop me thinking,

And help me forget

What makes me blue.

It hurts,

And tomorrow it will hurt again to.

Lost,

And I don't know what to do?

The drugs don't work.

But lest they help me

Push through.

A amazing.

 Lost in a maze.

My own making.

Over thinking,

The drink and drugs

Don't numb the feeling

Long enough.

In my own head

I'm lost.

Wondering are we friends at all.

Would you catch me if I fall?

Clean my snotty nose.

I guess I'll never know.

I can't dance.

 I had been a peaceful man, but now I was caught in agitation.  I accidentally hurt myself with my own body, as if I were two clumsy people fighting.  I held on to some things to tightly, ripping pages as i turned them, and let go of other things too suddenly,  plates, breaking them.

Communication

 Honesty is in my bones,

I could never be fake.

I write the odd poem,

Yet I still find it hard to communicate. 

And hard it is to romanticize

The feeling of loneliness

As days get shorter 

And I find it harder to sleep. 

An eternal hunger

But I already had something to eat. 

Smile again.

 Just want to drink myself into oblivion.

Don't want to think again. 

Never wanted to play games. 

Just wanted people to like themselves. 

Just wanted to make someone smile again. 

I can't take away your pain. 

But I can understand 

Why you'll never feel the same. 

Empathy,

And your hurt hurts me. 

Cause I can't help. 

Nothing I say will make things change. 

Hi, how are you? 

Will never be able to help,

Words and actions 

Can't even scratch the surface. 

Everything is useless. 

Yeah you'll get through this. 

I just wish I could take your pain. 

So you could smile again. 

Scar

 I'm a elegant monster, 

A beautiful beast. 

With a wound that isn't a scar 

Cause it won't scar til it no longer bleeds.

The problem with a broken heart.

 All you want to do is give the world your heart.

Your problem is you don't know when to stop.

Another line of anxiety,

Trying to run away from how you feel,

The fire in your heart,

And the need to need.

The childish notion that she breaks the spell

And you can live happily ever after

Away from your own personal hell.

Just another notch and a broken heart,

Another reason, another non start.

And everyday feels like Monday. 

As every other night 

It's just the same old brand new you. 

Diet starts soon,

And the dark clouds won't move.

Lol na

 Noone belongs here more then you,

As I wonder who,

Chooses the steps to our dance.

Stories traded,

Turn to folklore and myth.

Chinese whispers,

And all the rest.

The he said she said,

They said,

It's honestly the truth.

Noone belongs here more then you.

Dusted

Blood sports

Weak hearts

Dancing alone in the dark.

Insomniac

Over thinker

Binge drinker

Pour extra gravy on my Sunday dinner.

Introvert

extrovert

Shy at first

But not scared, to be first on the dance floor.

Back sore

Knees too

But the dog needs walked

even though the rain will soak me through.

Dishes to do

House needs hoovered

And the weekend done and dusted. 

Help.

The call for one more is so buried deep

. I can't hear but I feel it.

 You guys still up?

: My nose is blocked: 

Anyone do a half

For 20

Over east

I started something

I should forget 

Texted girls I should of not

 Tears drop

So fuked

Men I fear not.

Dad I'll fight you.

But I still love you.

Mum maybe not the same. 

I'll beat you to you spit out teeth. 

It's near 2pm.

And I feel nothing.

 But heartbreak. 

AS much as I give away, 

I can't stop this pain. 

No one cares is a hard thing 

To take. 

To forget how much do I need to drink?

Another line as my nose drips. 

Alone.

 Close your eyes and count the stars, 

you've forgiven me a thousand times, 

And I'm going to miss a thousand 

Or more kisses your going 

To give someone else. 

 But tonight I don't think I can be saved 

The dark offers no release.

Especially as I can't sleep. 

Too weak, 

Another bag, 

In too deep. 

A fool for one more. 

No one calls here anymore. 

And when I look i can only steal glances,

Never handsome enough for second chances. 

A clown, 

My own worse enemy. 

Imagine hating on me, 

While I'm at home, 

Hating on me. 

The things a kid shouldn't see. 

The need to need. 

One more for the road? 

"One more" 

I say out loud. 

No one is listening in a empty house. 

Runny nose and work is soon. 

One more just to so you don't feel alone. 

No cure before bed.

I'm looking for a cure. 

To end this endless battle 

And try to win this war. 

But my mind has other ideas. 

It doesn't care or so it seems. 

It just wants the easy route, 

Which then destroy my dreams.

With debt and making it impossible 

To get out of bed. 

Tonight my hurts hurt

 Never met your heros,

Is what they often say.

And never lick the plate,

To take the pain away.

Let the scars heal.

Try to rest your mind.

Don't get lost

In what you could of won.

There isn't a second price.

And life carries on.

And the friends you use to have,

Have all left and gone.

But you still remember

The songs you shared.

The times you dance together.

And you sing them songs,

No matter how much they hurt.

Because forgetting

Isn't an option.

For a over thinking mind.

And holding on

Is the only thing

To stop you sinking tonight.

Why?

 A hole in the soul.

Things I hold on to,

But need to let go.

Memories weigh

A Iife time on shoulders,

And take up too much time

On a mind,

That won't forget.

Silent tears escape

The antidepressants hold.

A leaf falls,

and flys on the wings of the wind.

Were you could never be so bold.

It's just one life,

One go.

Don't let the wind blow away,

Opportunities and chances.

As time flys by.

Just to look back and wonder

Why?

Believe you

I'm in love with the night,

For it hides my sins.

The moon light

For the win.

As I'm half listening.

My head filled with stories,

And excuses.

My heart wishing.

Scared to open my eyes.

Thank God the big lights off.

As I try to pretend,

But my soul is soft.

I can't hide that.

And can't hide

I'm So easy to lie to.

While I Keep rhe music low,

Don't want to upset my neighbors.

Or get too carried away

And belive you. 

Same old

 Dark and long.

Feel I was born slipping

And someone stole the

Good times,

Til I couldn't afford.

Couldn't afford to laugh again.

What a shame.

Life should be more then

Chocolate

And getting high

And getting down.

But it's what you can

Afford.

It's what you can

Manipulate.

It's the very lest you can do.

Everyones having fun,

But the grass is never green near you.

The doctor never listens.

The meds never do.

The alcohol gets easier

And tastes better.

The other is the other.

And nothing will do.

But sure,

One more will maybe do.

Better then this.

 Born slipping. 

Spare key to the house. 

Doing what you shouldn't. 

But isn't that what life is about? 

Pushing boundaries. 

Ignoring the rules. 

Doing things in your own time? 

Scars mark history 

And tattoos mark time. 

And friends come and go, 

And love doesn't always last.

But sure it's not always amazing,

But it's always better then boring, 

And You alway survived, 

You lived life, 

You experienced 

And put your hands in the air .

With many stories to tell. 

With a sound track that can put you back, 

In a moment and another time. 

A body of living history.

You can't remember why you went upstairs. 

But you can remember the endless weekends. 

The new friends. 

The sweaty handshakes and hugs. 

The feeling of coming up. 

Waiting on a taxi. 

Everyone doused in aftershave. 

Banter, 

as you listen to your mates 

New favorite mix.

Not knowing life will never be better then this 

Believe in love.

 The void wasn't sniffed away.

Another point 4 won't do. 

I can try and drink away the pain. 

Though its still be waiting in the morning. 

And so will everything you tried to forget. 

With added hangover and feeling shit. 

The places the music can't reach. 

Got me with nothing else 

But 

My soul to squeeze. 

So ths party never ends, 

As the bank account goes further in the red

And everything you love is further pushed away. 

This is fun, 

Lighting a fire and you don't run. 

Pointing at yourself with a gun. 

Cutting yourself to the bone. 

Driving drunk. 

Allowing yourself to believe in love. 

The end of the day

At the end of the day

Is now okay?

I'm trying to drown 

These demons in beer, 

But they won't stay away. 

Sleep isn't easy. 

I need more rest 

The threat of everything 

Falling apart, 

Puts a weigh on me, 

That makes it hard to get a breath. 

So self medication and over thinking. 

The dog tells me off 

And tells me bed is waiting. 

But I don't want to toss or turn. 

I just want stay awake. 

Listen to sad songs, 

And drown myself in drink. 

No use

 And there it is.

The love I give, 

Out weighs what I get back. 

I want to give everything, 

Just even for a "how are you" text. 

But I'm too fried for too long 

too many people I called friends, 

Now I don't know them at all. 

Cause I give too much, 

give everything away. 

Cause nothing with out love is any use to me.

The scars

 I'd never steal the stars from your sky.

The clouds only come when you're away. 

You have a magic, 

The sort that saves the day. 

I'm old enough to know now

That hearts aren't toys. 

And love shouldn't be a game. 

And if it is right, 

Then it can heal, 

Though the scars still look the same.

And sometimes I can't sleep. 

Over thinking about long gone things. 

Thinking about, 

Where the scars came. 

When I was too young to realize, 

That people come and go. 

But if it's ment to be, 

Then you will not let it go.

Can't

 Don't sleep, won't sleep, 

why sleep. 

By now you know your in to deep, 

no use in counting sheep. 

Not many options and choices ae limited, 

Your better days buried like treasure 

Well hid. 

So Clock watching 

And tossing and turning

Is what fills your time 

Waiting for the morning. 

Can't even relax. 

Sure such is life....

Everything for half price

 Nothing less then everything,

Got to fill this hole in the soul.

And wait, there's more.

The darkness of the void,

Two left feet, paired with two right hands.

I could be your right hand man.

I could be.

But sadly at this moment,

I'm feeling a little less then me.

And the dance floor is a memory. 

Spilled drink

 Shy and tired

The dog needs walked.

Long summer days

And the hope it's the last

Of the winters dark.

The birds get bold and loud,

Drinks better chilled.

The battlefield of a dance floor

A distant memory of late night thrills.

Cause I'm a

Last of the beer,

Gear. 

I welcome the fear. 

My nose sore. 

Cause I'm a 

Proud

 Is it okay to cry now?

Sore nose and alone now. 

The blinds are open but no one will care

Now.

One more, 

Just to ease me. 

Should take the dog to bed

So he can sleep more easy. 

But one more, 

Just to make the tears 

Worth while. 

One more just to make my dad proud. 

One more.

 When your one mores are all empty.

The bag is licked and everything is done. 

The dog is fuking raging, 

He wanted to go to bed. 

But you just wanted to feel 

Like life was worth it. 

A reason to keep keeping on 

No one answering back. 

And your nose is sore. 

Still in your mind, 

You can't help think 

One more. 

Life oh life

 They stole the laugher from our kids

The milk from their lips. 

Taxed their joy. 

Before they turned the poor on the poor, 

And got them both together to hate

Those that are even more poor. 

And taxed them some more. 

Stole people's imaginations, 

With movies filled with lies. 

TV and media saying 

You are ugly, fat and unliked.

But they always got a solution. 

And it comes with a price. 

The latest product 

That will make you 

Fit in and be someone everyone will like. 

Dreams sold at a high price. 

Happiness that is just out of reach. 

So fill the void with sugar, 

Or something else 

That makes it bearable to live. 

You look like the sparkle in your eyes have dimmed

The empty bottles

Fill the bin,

And fill me with embarrassment. 

Can't wait to bin day,

Til the bin is empty

And so is my embarrassment. 

You don't think you could be an addict. 

Then all of a sudden it's everyday. 

You can't be bothered watching TV. 

Reading books or things

That you used to love, 

For they get in the way. 

You stop looking at your bank balance. 

It just gets in the way. 

And you don't get to far 

When walking the dog, 

As you'll need something

That will numb 

What you can't fix, 

The thing that won't go away. 

The sleepless nights don't help. 

And work gets in the way. 

Sometimes things feel normal. 

And you are scared 

Because you get carried away. 

The doctors can't help you. 

Another blood test 

And that says you're okay. 

But I can't be bothered, 

And that grows in its own way. 

The little things, 

Drives and adventures. 

Nights out and new recipes. 

Movies and new books. 

Now just lines and is the shop closed, 

Cause I always need. 

Always need one more. 

Always on my mind. 

One to help me sleep, 

The other to stop the sadness in my mind. 

Spud

 I'm a fool gale,

To think love is enough.

Because the thing about

People like me,

Well we will always

Be lost.

We were lost as a child.

Lost in day dreams,

A place we didn't need to hide.

And I know I'm an embarrassment

To young Fergus.

I can never get it right.

Can't grow out of this

Mind frame,

Head space,

Can't outgrow or put to rest

The trauma and abuse

Of youth.

I always get it wrong gale,

I'm not use.

I'm only holding you back,

An embarrassment to say the lest.

I can't tame this animal,

Hunted by a dark beast.

The uppers and downers

Can numb for only so long.

But I always have to return.

And it gets no better,

Just seems worse.

The sadness of my mother's eyes

When she caught me

Stealing from her purse.

You're both better off with out me.

Then you can try and forget the worse.

Just please when you think off me,

Don't think of the worse.

Coming up

 I feel silent tears

As I'm making it to the counter

In the shop

Buying beers. 

No cheers, 

No pats on the back. 

The only way is down, 

And the possibility 

I won't be able this time

To get back up.

I'm hurting, 

And hurting more then just me. 

The dog gives me sad eyes. 

While I feel woe is me. 

My worse foe is me. 

My days tired 

from 

Over thinking.

No longer binge drinking. 

I just spread it out

Through out the week. 

It takes everything not 

To call in sick. 

Everything it takes 

Just not to give up. 

Just to get in the shower 

Just got to keep it together, 

It's near the weekend 

And payday is coming up. 

You

 I'm hurting bad.

More then I can admit. 

I can't make sense of all this. 

The sore nose, 

Ripped bags and empty bottles 

Hold no clues. 

No one cares. 

It's just you. 

It will get better

The hurts too great for the mind to take.

So excuse me while I numb myself.

Nothing really stops the hurt, 

The mind never stops, 

And the everything just gets worse. 

No holiday, no doctors letter. 

Just debt and friends telling you

It will get better. 

What else would you do?

Talking to myself,

Laying close to the wall. 

The shadows of the night 

Stroke my skin 

While a tears falls. 

Regrets often snowball. 

but I can never refuse, 

Another late night arguing with myself,

About things that I can't change, 

But what else is there to do?

Is now okay?

 Is now okay?

I'm up for a good time, 

But don't have the time or money. 

The joke isn't funny anymore. 

The nights are long when you can't sleep. 

Chest sore. 

Useless heart. 

Turn off the big light. 

The bed seems smaller than I remember, 

When someone else is there. 

And it doesn't matter

How much I toss and turn. 

The birds will soon be singing. 

Telling me I've fucked up. 

That morning is almost here, 

And it's time to get up,

For round 2.

The things you wish you could forget, 

But you'll still do. 

Heat the plate and buy a few beers. 

You don't cry, 

But you do shed a few tears. 

The saddest songs

Lined up in a row. 

Just to push the feeling, 

And let the feeling grow. 

Let the nose run, 

Forget dinner. 

No rest for the wicked, 

And nowhere to run. 

Pain in the chest.

 The party has to end.

And normal life resume. 

9 to 5 is calling, 

And Monday comes too soon. 

Your chest gives you scares, 

Your heart beats abit too hard. 

But by Wednesday 

You'll be ready to party hard. 

You never grow out of 

Drinking to excess. 

No hangover can beat the feeling 

Of dancing with your friends. 

No Monday blues 

Will ever make you quit. 

Because no matter how low you feel

You fuking love it. 

Quiting is for losers. 

The music never ends. 

And just forget the pain 

You feel in your chest

And take one of these. 

The party never starts round here

 I'm hurting and it feels no one cares.

Saying things but no one wants 

To read hear those words. 

No one wants to stop the party. 

Even if the party is just for one. 

It will be okay, 

Just get to bed before the sun. 

I'm holding my wound, 

Showing how deep it is. 

But it seems I'm alone. 

Running away from the hurt and pain.

When you honest 

Your invites to parties disappear. 

No one wants to stop dancing, 

Or face reality or truth. 

So the scars you have are too much, 

To see, 

So they don't want to look. 

A open book. 

This party isn't helping me. 

Just One more.

 The thing about one,

Is that their is always a strong need 

For one more. 

Even if you are broke 

Or working tomorrow. 

Even if your dearest loved one

Is in hospital and dying. 

Even if your so tired you can't think. 

Even when you are fuked due to the cold

And need rest and sleep. 

One more is a beast, 

That hunts the best of intentions. 

The just one and I'm going home, 

The I've got work tomorrow. 

And I've so much to do. 

But one more is a struggle, 

That often wins over you. 

Leads you astray. 

Ruins your plans 

And fuks your week ahead. 

A beast thst doesn't care. 

Keeps dial a drink busy

And dealers active, 

With texts of

Just one more. 

Something I said?

 He who loves the most, regrets the most.

As I imagine other lifetimes

when things worked out a little better,

and I wasn't so wet behind the ears.

And your tears weren't so salty,

And I said what it was 

That you needed to hear.

And it's okay if its not perfect.

Alright to sometimes 

To colour outside the lines

And it's hard not to fight it.

But life doesn't work 

If I'm scared all the time.

Which leaves me

sad that in this universe

I couldn't make it work,

And the love I had 

Turned to hurt. 

Like a rope tied to tight, 

A dim light. 

Overthinking was it something I said? 

Old songs and unlicked bags

 Put the bag away,

To lick some other day. 

The fleeting high. 

The short time I have 

That I can do and get 

The every growing list 

Ticked off 

Slowly, 

But at lest one task. 

Sleep won't come easy. 

It might not come at all. 

And work is a growing pressure. 

In mind wondering do they know? 

The ever running nose

As the twinkle in my eyes 

Dims, 

The skip in my step 

Slowly but surely 

Is no longer there. 

Weekends and paydays. 

Nothing else but hurt. 

Friends and family gone, 

So I try and make it work. 

But it isn't the same. 

No one to send these songs to. 

No one shared these memories 

But us. 

And you left me, 

With a weight off heart break and loss. 

Still look for you at Christmas, 

And other family affairs. 

We all lose someone at some point, 

But it never seems fair. 

And now I'm lost myself. 

Weekends and paydays. 

The sun doesn't shine as bright. 

The weekends don't last as long. 

And payday is over quick. 

Playing in the red. 

Just to feel alive. 

But the gas only last so long, 

Before the heating dies. 

The water runs cold. 

The view from my room

Well it's shit. 

So, I just keep looking

Towards weekends and paydays, 

With no one to share 

those memories and old songs with. 

What number are you?

 Depression strikes,

Everyone is a stranger.

What your normal?

What song makes you cry?

What keeps you going when times are tough?

What motivates you to stay alive?

What medictes you?

What numbs the pain?

Do not get pissed off by all the rain?

Does your nose not run?

How do you sleep at night?

Do you get your five a day?

Do you actually give a fuk about any celebrity?

Like who will give a fuk when you die?

What your favorite colour?

We are all just another number. 

Sunday dinner

 Vicks, sweaty hugs and firm handshakes.

Your jaw break dancing til it aches.

Hands in the air when the piano breaks.

There is no religion, race

Or the other things used to separate us

When we are on the dance floor,

Everyone yeeeoooos the same,

Everyone there to escape the Grey clouds,

The 9 to 5 and half hour lunch break.

Your soon to be favorite song plays,

As you dance with your squad,

Your chosen family.

A life time of memories,

As the next song comes in.

And you can't help share everything.

Not even thinking about

 how much gravy you'll need

To make it through Sunday lunch/dinner,

Because tonight you're onto a winner.

My only sin.

 Point 4, point at the door.

Words don't matter anymore.

They take away the things you love,

With a wicked cackle.

The things you believed

Would never leave,

The things you invested

Your life in. 

For the Memories to be burnt. 

And I'll never learn.

A beautiful face,

A drum circle.

Stolen moments.

I'll never learn.

A love stole away

And memories burnt

By witches pretending to be friends. 

I'm sorry I let them win. 

I loved you so much. 

Was my only sin. 

The weekend warriors

 The party never ends

When your pockets are

Full of fun.

Everyone glad to see you,

When you have something

That they want.

Handshakes and smiles,

Til the pockets

Are empty.

And those friendly faces

No longer look so friendly.

You outstayed your welcome.

But are always welcomed back.

But just as long as you have

What they want.

The weekend lasts forever,

And everyone's your friend.

As long as you can supply

All the things,

Then you're always welcome

Doors always open.

That is if you can't meet the need

If not then 

 Please don't call.

Singing to Noone

 Nightshift, or so it feels

During the dark days.

The devil dust keeps me awake.

The heart broke so many times,

The lines help me forget.

I sniff til my nose is sore.

Message everyone and more.

But no one answers back,

I'm alone, and not for the first time.

I don't look at myself in the mirror,

Not that I hate my face.

Just I don't want to see

Why no one calls me a friend, 

Is it cause I'm ugly? 

But sure it's far from the end.

No fat ladies singing,

Na I'm the only one with a song.

And I'll keep singing to no one.

The dog wants to go to bed

 The dog wants to go to bed.

I'm too lost in my head. 

Shadow boxing my old fights. 

Blind to my own downward spiral

That lead me here tonight, 

My hurt leading the way. 

I invited it to stay. 

We don't talk. 

Awkward, 

Looking at my phone or the wall. 

Too hurt to forgive, 

Too lost in the dark. 

Not too many chances, 

Drowning in my own sadness. 

Scared of things I can't see. 

Picking a scab that won't heal. 

Sleeping late, 

Finding it hard to have a reason to get up.

I'm my own worse enemy 

But I don't give up. 

There is more to life, 

Got to be. 

Soothe someone 

And use my hurt as their therapy. 

Another drink isn't the remedy. 

Face not recognized

 Dreaming's cheating,

What are you at this weekend?

Self harm and over thinking.

Deappreciation.

But if I'm lucky some self medication.

Wondering if it's a cry for help?

Or am I just missing

A different world.

Longing to log out.

No ads for things I think about.

No friends requests

From spamming djs

Latest mix I never listen to anyway.

The quiet one from school,

Your sure would be a

Murderer one day.

Ads for things we don't need.

Posts from people

Who we never before seen.

The next viral vid, joke

Meme or something.

While we sit alone watching

Dreaming's cheating

Fluoxetine, 

Numbs you til everything is fine.  

No downs yet no Ups, 

No escape, 

No one to wake up beside in the morning 

And no help to or reason to sleep.  

Dreaming's cheating. 

What are you doing this weekend?

Self harm and over thinking! 

And I ask 

How do you know if it's a cry for help?  

And who will hear when your  

Arej ust by yourself?  

So I close the window it's cold. 

Another beer to soothe the soul. 

Lick the bag and try to keep some control.

For hell is a damaged person

Who has lost control. 

Eternal fire in a addicts eyes.

As they no longer get high, 

Just get further away from themselves. 

And closer to hell.

It's easy to laugh til the moment

You also fall. 

Only love

 I can do you what you need.

Can you tell me why it hurts to breath?

Why I'm lost in my own company?

How I lost touch with my own family?

How the things I enjoyed 

Don't really matter to me?

Why the harder I try the deeper the rut?

Why the sniff is my only love? 

Hole

 Hole in the soul

Against the tide

9 to 5 blues

Dead mans shoes

But that's alright

Because we can't sleep at night.

Up all night we got demons to fight.

The call of the void keeps us awake.

The bitter taste of a wanted loves 

Like bitter lemonade.

The sun cracks a new day.

Make the most of every moment

They grow to quick,

Last call at the hug and pint

As my nose drips.

Excitement as the taxi is pretty quick. 

Try to get the back seat,

As talking I don't want to be the one

Asking the driver are they busy

Or long into his shift. 

Finally get where we plan to b, 

The party is in full swing.

Grabbed by the hand

And jump in with both feet. ,

Its okay, I have a warm embrace. 

So we spend the nite 

Talking shite,

As we knew would be part of the plan

Then on to puttinf the world to right

Taking up resident in the kitchen,

Which was

Amazing to say the lest

Til the sun comes up

To remind us we have to leave.

The random

 There's a point 4,

That keeps on calling me. 

Could sniff a gram 

Pretty easily. 

Every party I make, 

Everyones my best friend. 

All great to the drugs wear off again. 

Maybe in a hour I'll settle down. 

Another taxi and I'm gone again. 

The random at the party I'll always be. 

Everyones my friend 

Telling me, 

Your the best craic, 

My new best friend. 

Then my phone bleeps 

And I'm gone again. 

Maybe in a hour I'll settle down. 

Always the random, 

But when you got the bag 

The party never ends. 

One for luck.

 Something to take the edge of reality.

Downers to then help me sleep.

But over did the downers,

To the point I'm Jeff Buckley sad

With no one for to sing. 

One eye closed to focus,

Firing off messages

To whom it may concern.

Just to wake up, 

Knowing I'll never learn.

So one more for sadness,

One more for the boy

with a thorn in his side,

One more isn't a challenge,

Two more for luck.

One eyes closes to focus,

As another message I type.

What's the weather like?

Algorithm of the soul.

Scared to asked in case they say no. 

The pain of the mind 

That thinks it knows

And over thinks

Til it's destroyed everything good. 

While the rainy days seem endless. 

The clouds take over the sky. 

Bully the sun into submission. 

And the rain means 

Nothings dry. 

And will in the  soak you through. 

And rot sets in and grows 

Taking hold til you can't think what to do 

You focus on the bad, 

When there is actually so much good. 

And the pain could go away, 

Your nose could heal to. 

It's up to you start, 

Though hard when you are soaked through. 

Wine

 A pint of wine by my bed

To help me sleep. 

I bit even going to bother brushing my teeth 

Thinking of texting girls 

I haven't spoke 

To and should leave be. 

Oh woe is me, 

But then again I've got alot. 

So maybe I should just wise up. 

Half a bottle down and I've bearly ate. 

Everyday I just want to numb and forget. 

Ghost

 I see old ghosts at the bottom of the bed

Trying to melt your head. 

They dance and shake the bed. 

And disagree. 

Make you think of things 

You should let be. 

Try to keep you awake, 

Won't let you sleep. 

You feel their boney fingers 

As they talk aloud. 

Trying to drown you in doubt. 

Whispering secrets, 

You can't quite hear. 

And wanting you to hold on

To things that you used to

Cut yourself with.

Things that hold you back. 

Those old ghosts 

Are the worse craic. 

Nothing

 I respect you and your madness,

As I sniff another line of sadness. 

I'm past licking the bag. 

Could do with a cigarette 

Or something to make me feel alive. 

Someone who could make it all 

Make sense. 

Late night texts and bags. 

The endless endless of nothing. 

Maybe dream

 And you're tryna get atmosphere

Like she was here, but she's long gone

Like Rocky Balboa and Adrian

Tears drop while vou sip on your medicine. 

You'll sleep tonight son. 

No dreams, 

While you grind your teeth. 

Need to make peace. 

But the scar won't heal. 

And how do those memories feel? 

Odd one out, 

Alone, 

Feeling like your talking another language 

That noone knows. 

Scared to blow your nose. 

Those old ghosts

Still hunt ya. 

Mother who couldn't love herself, 

So how could she love you? 

A need to need someone, 

Who needs you. 

But love doesn't work 

It takes two. 

Hold on, 

To avoid drowning. 

Nothing else 

So hold it tight. 

It keeps you afloat. 

The thought that someone 

Could or might, 

Think your alright. 

That keeps your head 

Above water, 

A reason to keep up the fight. 

And maybe you might dream tonight.

The right path.

 I honestly don't know how this came to be. Or what it was lead to this moment. But I need to get help. I just don't know how. 

The nigh

 The night never starts 

when you're alone and know noone. 

 One more for the road 

Before I face the cold. 

 And every noise is too much, 

as every face reminds me of her, 

Asked do have any spare change? 

Do I pull rose petals from my pocket 

I was keeping for her 

to give to the homeless but they don't care.

Another day

 Point 4,

Verses my overdraft 

Credit card and more. 

The dogs fed and walked, 

Enough tea bags 

For me to ignore. 

My nose sore. 

My sleep isn't what it was. 

And my personality isn't what it 

Used to be. 

I can't find peace. 

Can't focus and watch TV. 

Can't be bothered, 

Can't find the joy in the simple things. 

So another point 4 

Just another day. 

The months blur 

And it seems just another day. 

Can't trust a broken heart.

 Farewell to goodbyes, not a dry eye, 

and not to mention, 

but I needed to console the soul.  

So I let you in, and the world changed. 

It was mine for a moment, 

though that moment is never enough. 

So im waking on someone else's floor 

Waking in someone else's bed. 

wishing for more then lust. 

But what happens 

When your own heart

you can't trust?

1998

 Choose life,

Messing around in school,

Big tvs,

and stereos to.

Minimum wage

Large meals at McDonald's.

Chicken burgers.

Who's round is it?

Someone phone to see

How long the taxi will be?

Friends, girls, music and

A injoke or two.

Playstation fifa.

Finger guns pointing at each other

Across many a dance floor

Not knowing how life was so short.

The party doesn't last forever. 

And egos are careless, 

While friendships are fragile. 

Chinese whispers, 

And he said, she said, they said

Nobody is right in the end. 

A life less ordinary,

Lived via weekends and paydays.

Put your money away 

I got paid, 

It's not alot but we should be okay. 

Trance and romance

 Trance and romance,

My sweetheart the drunk.

My memories my torture.

A pint of gin to try and numb,

I forgot myself and smiled.

The sky wasn't so grey.

And you only die once,

But you live everyday

The road to one more

 Should I have one more

For the road for the craic?

Or would one more be taking the piss?

Sure I've ripped the arse out of it,

May as well.

I thought it burn,

But it's cold in hell.

I shiver, the whole night through,

My feet hurt from the cold too.

The only part thst burns in hell

Is the memories,

To move on you need forget

Everything.

The heart break,

The laughs,

The hugs and so on.

But thst is all I have

So I hold on.

I can't let go to the small things

The smile on my face,

Those memories bring.

Those treasured memories,

Are my everything.

Miss you

 Should I have one more

For the road for the craic?

Or would one more be taking the piss?

Sure I've ripped the arse out of it,

May as well.

I thought it burn,

But it's cold in hell.

I shiver, the whole night through,

My feet hurt from the cold too.

The only part thst burns in hell

Is the memories,

To move on you need forget

Everything.

The heart break,

The laughs,

The hugs and so on.

But thst is all I have

So I hold on.

I can't let go to the small things

The smile on my face,

Those memories bring.

Those treasured memories,

Are my everything.

Too young to know

 I was too raw,

Scared and hurt,

Had to be better,

Faster, sharper,

Second place was never enough.

I had to hurt and draw blood.

I had to bite so hard you couldn't forget.

Just so I could feel I was good enough

That I was enough,

That was a laugh.

That I could be part of the gang.

Til the gang no longer exists.

And you grow up and realize the hurt

You cause with your sharp wit.

Always pushed it too far,

And now no one is laughing anymore.

Wild weather isn't it?

 I'll smile if you do first.

It's all well rehearsed.

Everything hurts.

Everyones gone.

Tell Eddie to call me

If somethings on.

But haven't you got my number?

I fumble, and seem not to matter.

Sure could be worse.

Could be 3 point 4s

And no laughs or applause.

On a school night, 

a Tuesday night, 

Giving up the fight. 

Sure everyone else went first. 

I wasn't supposed to outlive you all. 

So what's the point when no one calls.

The point 4s hurt my nose. 

And when I sniff I feel so cold. 

One more

 My weekends turned into wipe outs,

Texting strangers for powdered pain killer. 

No breakfast, getting up after 3,

If I didn't have the dog

Then I would just sleep. 

My nose burns, 

My head hurts. 

Nothing interests me, 

But the crash and burn. 

3 beers and a point 4.

Just to want more. 

Standing in the living room 

With no top on shadow boxing, 

But my trouble mind isn't winning. 

My runny nose isn't stopping, 

I should drink some water 

But there is always room for one more. 

It's okay, honest.

 We're not dead yet,

Maybe just over did the good times

Til the music don't quite hit

The same.

The late nights and

Getting yer five a day,

3 for 90 sounds better to me.

Definitely dehydrated,

I over did the good times,

Til I can't sleep at night.

Nose is greedy,

I'm too needy,

Lest I never sold out. 

You can lick the bag,

As long as I can lick the card.

Life is hard.

But I couldn't be.

I'll give away my love to everybody.