Monday, 29 December 2008

Credit Crunch and nothing to tell, room with otu a mirror, who are ya?

I often think about lookin throught her window the girl with out a mirror the one who donest care for the credit crunch my insparation. my weekend away a reason to stay. a word in your ear when your gettin otu of hand which i must amite i am, so back to lookin throught her window at night, see i would but im scared of what i might spy. her lips on another under the covers in the room with out a mirror. how i wish i could take cover under her covers in the room with out mirror. that would be class i would tell me friends, infact i owuld tell the people i work with to, i would tell everyone but sadly as she is not mine there is nothing to tell. and i must face the oncomin hell of the credit crunch alone

I did something stupid, got so close & was going so well, but its l8 & im drunk so i looked at her profile on facebook. and it says about a new boyfrend. i want to punch a wall, i dont know who 2 turn2, i dont know atall. i cant breath, i want to shout, but even i did there is noone listen so whats the point. its like i cant deal with the stress cause the best of times really at this point dont seem so great, im carrin a weight of 28 years and all my fears are comin true and i cant face them. i would tare my eyes out so i cant see another thing i could rip my tounge out so i cant speak. but at the end of the day she as much as she said didnt love me. so now im off to face the prison wall the dark takes my imagenion, the dark takes my all, im FUCKed UP AND tbh there really is noone to call. hi mum i sleep in the room next to you i know we dont talk but im fucked up and i think i need to go to hospital. could u think if i said this? na i think iam probly best cryin myself asleep.

anotherday, another broken bit, another lost memories of the taste of your lips.

Love isnt ment for me or you its for friends of friends who you hear tails of.
There sadly is never a happy endin, the end is the end and no fat lady will sing.
Noone will sing when you die.
Love is a broken window lettin in the cold, lettin in the rain.
Love is the lastest drama in a soap and you will never get that feelin.
love is for millys with three kids. love is a lie.
im a lier.
love is a broken radator.
love is for sunny days but sadly your world is black and most often gray.
love is a fuckin lie.
im a lier.
love is for bullys and there big dogs.
love is not a prize in a quiw show.
love is for people who are overweight.
love is for girls who wear fake tan when there headin out.
love is a lie.
im a lier.
love is for complosive liers to spin there yarns.
love is a lie, im a lier.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

to be rote.

My kindom has broke to pieces
When i pass i can see it in peoples faces.
Tho those tears might dry tomorrow,
What am I to make of today?
Fuck its same shit difrrent day......

to be rote.

my kindom has broke to picies when i pasds i can see it in peoples faces.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Aye dead on.

i wish i was alive, with no need for assistance.
no need for a crutch.
no need for anything barr the air i breath,
but alas i fear i need to much.

Weird how times go i thought you soudl know i still think of you a little to much.

So you told me of your past battles, one time going to tell alittle bit more before you stoped.

was i on his side of the bed was that it?

You told me of your injurys, but you never told me that you hurt.

You never let on you struggled but you did say money was tight.

and i would of took you out but that was jsut to much wasnt it.

I know i could of not told you, i know i could of never let on.

but well my dear ifear thats just not me or the way i get on.

Time was short and sweet and still im holdin on.

seems now i want to pass but there is nothing left for me and im just so alone.

Monday, 15 December 2008

Who the fuck are you tonight?

Well im countin down the hours til l ihave to sleep, feelin weak as work is so near, lost in a dream world wishin i was somewere else with someone else, were she is is anyones guess. but im not guess in countin my blessins, for some they would seem alot to me i dont think i have got. i want more, but what are wants when there are so many needs and tonight my dear your my need, my greed, my sceret place. were the fuck are you? who the fuck are you?

So what it is is what it will always be is anyone guess, im glad to have started this blog to get this off my chest as this sort of thing kept in would surly destroy the kindest of hearts. but no dout my heart is dark and im sick and tired of not knowin what tomorrow will bring i need to feel your hugs lets stop dancen, lets stop this foreplay, lets be real for a moment tell me how do you feel? I feel today is liek any other day a count down til the end. Im again countin down the hours till i sleep till i fight the beast hopein he will let me wake(or not as the case may be)im holdin on as hard as i can but i feel i've let so many down i cant begain to forgive myself, a cup of tea wont warm this cold , help this breaken heart. but a cup of tea is really all i've got.

Play it just one more time, go on mate.

So im fallin, i said it before and here im sayin it again. i have lost my confidence, i am no longer in your face. im no longer not given a fuck who i piss off. but aty the same time i dont. i dont know, im just really confused. words fall from me, im waitin a lifetime for soemthing thats over a long time ago. for your memorie has sufferd enought, let the rain saok through me, when you use me, hunt no more im lost. to say the lest the doctor cant fix me. and thisi s more then to play i need you more with everyday. or maybe i just always have needed and you as big as your heart might be cant give it.

lol or was it all just a dream. a fuckin dream.

but then again my sleepin isnt the best i dont get down for long, so how could i dream?

What do you say?

Well today is another day. sadly. it just isnt the same anymore. lest in the old days when you were melted beyond believe you had friends to help take your mind off it, now im alone. i have nothing but memories to burn me. the whole no friends thing is scarey, how i could go from haven so many friends to noone. noone to ease the pain, noone to dry the tears, noone to hold you and tell you its going to be ok. tho tbh i have always felt lonely. now i know i am. i worry also as i need a women in my life, and if i was to meet someone how do you tell them that you have no friends, barr weekend friends who you dont really see barr when you are out of it. whne the whites of the eyes are on display, people who you couldnt tell there fav colour from there fav song, to there hobbie. i mean wtf is a hobbie now? i could do with a hobbie. i could do with alot, tbh i need to sort my head out. today i've hit abit of a low. i know im not the man i wish i was. i know im not anything, its shit as i put so much work into bein that person who i was. only for it to fall around me, i guess its the rock N roll story, same story diffrent book. tho sadly this story was over in a matter of a few years and i dont have a number one album to look back on. i only have myth and legend of me, the person. tho i dont know if i was that person. i think i was. i was often seen to take it to far, which maybe is why im here now. fuck i just wish i could sort it out.

Who are you then tonight? i dont know, a empty shell of empathy, wishin on a lost life of which i can only save myself. tho i dont think im strong enought as it seems i lose everything i love and im left with the heartbreak, were do i start?

Saturday, 13 December 2008

How do you know if its realy a cry for help? how do you know if its really a need for peace?

Sometimes I go temporarily insane
After a drink
Thinkin how come you went from my sunny days to this!
Were did the good times go?
If you see them let me know.
Tho from a distance i could believe,
Tho deep inside its the same,
And I know the feelings to well.
So lay out the lillys cause she isnt mine.
And for a moment there i couldnt be sure
But i felt like i could maybe move on.
Sing a new song, one that didnt remind me of her.
Think of something other then of what we used to do.
Or when did the good times pass too.
I need her so much tho I cant tell anyone else.
Her eyes turn from green to blue,
Tell me what to do?
Cause tonight there isnt any release,
I'm askin old ghost just let me sleep.
But demons shake the bed,
No rest for me,
Na im lost in a lifetime of lies instead.

When are Fridays all there cracked up to be?

So friday didnt go to plan, jade was in a bad mood, this give it a slow start. the base of the pizza was to hard, but i couldnt stop eattin it, i wasnt going to let it go to waste. i didnt want to get take away when i had this infront of me, no.. but so after the pizza i was runnin my tounge along my teeth to find i had broke abit of my tooth due to the pizza base bein to hard!! fuck sake! then after that we drank vod, it didnt go down well and i started to watch tv with one eye as i was to tired to open the other one. we went to bed and there was no hugs. this makes me sad as i was hopen to get the hugs quota up for over christmas. but this didnt happenin. today was bad as i felt so tired it took me ages to get up. tho breakfast was made by jades mum the lovely heav, heav was even more lovely then i rember. she was very funny and nice. tho sadly jade was stressed with work which ment she maoned at me about my itchin and not creamin my skin. but sure cant win them all. i got a good hug in before i left. it was a class imbrace and i didnt want to let go, but she did.

So im worried bout the tooth as i dont want to lose it, i think it could fuck up this perfect smile which is what gets me by. so as i settle with a cup of tea and bourbin creams i think what of tonight? out or in? were to begain! would be great to have some company.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Thrusdays Blues.

Well its thrusday. im excited about going to carick tomorrow as i think gettin out of the city will be good, to a place were the stars shine and there isnt a nose to be heard. no cars, no shoutin, nothing. also jades mum will be there and i cant wait to see her again as she is a lovely lady who i think enjoys my charm and way. older ladys seem to love my banter and humour. which is good. i think im a older man in a young mans body, or just in the wrong time. but today seems to be one of those inbetween days were you just dont know what way it will go, im hopein it will be alright.

Well christmas is so near and work is still quiet which is great as i still get paid, but i dont have the melt which i had last year which broke my heart. cunt face is playin up going on about stuff which is of fuck all use. but i play dumb, im good at it, i like to let a little bit of dribble fall from my mouth as i nob in a robot manner as she goes on, and just go "yea, yea.... mmm yea" . the only thing is my ski nis really dry, its meltin my head abit as its crackin and is also pretty sore. but i sould be able to get through it.

I supose lookin through this maybe thrusdays aint so bad. maybe today aint so bad atall. also a lady from work i think is pretty added me on facebook which is good. maybe i can use it as a means to get closer, tho she seems distant at the moment(funny so do i, or thats how i feel, so distant, wondern were did the years(and friends)go), and i worry it would be over the top(as always)of me to ask have i over steped the mark, have i acted in a manner which has made her feel our friendship wasnt a friendship, we were mearly people untied by the work place. i would like to be more then work, i would like to share secrets, tho that again could be over the top. god its a mine field, its crazy. but then again would i have it any other way?

Monday, 8 December 2008

Monday blues.

So here it is, monday and im in need of a hug, things seem pretty low at the moment and i have scratched the life out of myself, its a nitemare. its a fuckin joke. but tbh i have to go.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Bein bold for the sake of it.

So its gettin cold, tho atlest it isnt rainin, im tryin to work out which is worse rain or ice. ice is pretty shit if you are in a hurry but it looks sweet when it sparkles when you are walkin in the darkness in the morrin to work. rain is wet and is shit. ice makes cars crash. i dont drive. i dont know i like the ice but my skin doesnt. but on a lighter note i seen the one who got away, or well i think i did. if it was her she was really happy and had such a big smile you wouldnt of thought she remberd the things i did to her. she was driven a people carrier with a baby on board sticker on the back. makes me wonder has she finaly got a kid? and does this means my dream of mountin her once more are but usless? i would love another go for old times sake, that and she was mental and would let you shit on her(not that we did before, but im pretty sure you could talk her into it. tho if it was jsut a out of the blue one night thing you might not. mmm tho she might shit on your chest if it was a one night hi, how are you thing.)she probly would be up for shittin on a glass table. but so i wonder has she a kid now and has she chilled out? as she was bonkers, both sides of the coin, when she was nice she was the nicest person in the world and would bend over backwards(kinda like when we were buckin too i supose she would get in many a postion)for to help you. tho when she was nasty she was really nasty, often if a fight was to start even when you got her to finaly see she was wrong she would still fight she was right. but i wouldl ove to spend a day with her and just have some time to rember the old days, the better moments like the may day bbq. but i guess it wont ever happenin.

So i went to the roost for my good friend wee big jonnys birthday. it was a good night tho i have found cider makes me itch which is a blow as its all i drink, barr cocktails. and not ever bar does cocktials or if they do they arnt nice always. so tbh im at a lost as what to do. or well what to drink?! i feel cider is a part of me, its who i am, i can tel lstorys of diffrent ciders turn my nose up at pear cider and magners. but now what do i do? i think maybe knockin drinkin on the head is probly the only thing, but its all i do, get drunk, fall over, dance out of time with the music and sing off key. i need a hobbie, i need release. i just think i need to find peace. but peace of mind seems so far away tonight my head is sooo very fryed. lol just a normal end of week then!

Next friday im headin to carrick to spend tiem with my now friend but then ex(we have thought about it and when interducen or talkin about each other we are friends no longer ex's)jade. i look forward to it so much as carrick is very quiet, she is maken pizza and im maken garlic bread. tho shame i cant drink cider as that would of make the trip the best ever. but im hopein we can see stars like i seen last night as they were amazen..

Friday, 5 December 2008

Were did the good times go?

Like a broken arrow, I'll catch the tail wind and draw the clouds
Burning sugarBlack as smoke
Closing wallsI open my heart
She sings when she hurtsIt's good to sink deep inside
To my only touchstoneShe's a friend in the dark
My strength my memories
She delight's in torture, and holds my hand but never shields me
Because the best shield is to accept the pain
Then what can really destroy me?
Let me close my eyes and lie invisible
And perhaps the clouds will pass through me

how do you know its really a cry for help?

iam sorry dad, i feel i have let you down, and now iam glad you dont know me as it would only break your heart, from drugs to sluts, i've fucked up more then i could ever do right, the one true love i left behind, to scared to try so i let life slip me by, and i have come to a point i realy dont know whats next, my head is such a mess, and my only wish was to spread more smiles then tears, but seems i've spread hate more then love, and iam tryin to say sorry to all those who i have let down, but dad i feel i can never make up for all the my wrongs, 28 years and it feels i have nothing left, but memoires...

So whats next? what do i realy have? for as much as i can save, i just cant save myself, i dont know my frends, and they dont know me, i sit, alone for the most part, infront of this fcukin screen wishin i knew were to start to get it back on track then another weekend makes sure ther is no chance of that, so were do i go? what do i do? for no matter what i do i feel lost for sure, fcuk this for a game of cards....

Thursday, 4 December 2008

how do u no if its a cry for help?

Tearfull and sunlight cant save me,
Would one night be enought?
I wish it would nearly!
Leave the knife you could be my future wife!
We could have fun!
Run from the sun for nights...
But time isnt on my side,
And so, like others you slip past me.
And I get weak, from lack of sleep,
So I cant dream your with me.
Its endless and so how do you know if its a cry for help?

You stay here while i carry my cross.

Today went well untill i begain to think about life. it was the last hour and sould of been stright on the narrow to get out of the place of work i spend 40 hours entertainin with out a wish to be there. fallin angels couldnt of saved me at this point, i asked myself a question "what is the meanin of life?" i ponder this for a moment and then i seen there is no reason for life. it just is, its a cycle which goes round and round and never stops(this is what pains me as well, you might of lost the dearest thing you, your very heartbeat but stil the buses travel from A to B, still the clocks tick, still people laught and chatter.)but so i thought, if this is it!? then what the fuck am i doin wasten my precious time, well is it really precious if there is no meanin in the end? to bang together to make a off time beat is the only thing to hang on for as all life seems is bitter disapointment. the worse is the no going back thought. and there is no way back. its confused at best.

Its seems when the weekend is near for some reason i hit a low. i think of times i've had and know i cant get them back, there gone just liek my cus. i miss him so much at times the pain is to much. he is the blade i cut myself when im weak, wonder how i could be so weak to miss him by a hour. and when the things get bad who will wipe those tears from my eyes. but thats beside the point and as always i have got side tracked. So back to what i was thinkin, well if there is no meanin, and then it means fuck it why not just go all out and do soemthign really fucked up. i think i might get hooked on junk. the yokes are no longer thrillin the coke is to much and left me close to killin................ na got to stop.

But serous on a note maybe lighter if there is no god, but there is good and evil, were the fuck does this leave me? i think i need a time out adn to take stock of my life. seems im stuck in a job were i feel its like high school with out the cool kids. this gets me down all day long. i miss the fun the laughts the good times. i miss bein happy. the feelin now is fleetin. all i want is to need soemone who needs me, something i can believe in. but i've said to much.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

bourboncreams & bad dreams, im missin my shadow im missin my self its now a question of mental health

what is love but a stranger to help fight the demons
what is trust but a hopefull heart
what was she but a glorfryed one nite stand with plans.
broken expections and stealin blue skys to be true.
gray water i sould know better but im really not old in heart to be true.
watchin waves break the surface what use i am if im honest.
douts put away but when broke back out are even more.
im not playin these arnt toy guns im shotin for the heart i need to be true.
im breaken rules in need to mend a broken heart, were are you tonight?
tryin to fix wrongs but i cant get right
and i just need to feel the skin of another while i sleep tonight.
we dont need to beat the drum just hold me tight,
let me feel your heartbeat pretend i got it right for a moment.
its the wrong time for this, its was the right fix. and now i need it more then i can face.
put away the broken dream,
these things get out of hand and i will be damed
but im but a man i cant help get it wrong at times.
so put away the guns lets not fight.
lets pretend tonight.
put the feelins on hold.
i scared for what i dont know.
a man size pack of tissuse wont help.
i need to see your soul. back you over and see your all.
this isnt right, i cant stop how i feel tho it might lead to more wrong.
we dont need to beat the drum, i just need to fall asleep next to someone.
and im thinkin of how i could put the world to right but i cant even help myself.
i cant even get it right, even if you'd give a fuck tonight.
old ghost wont rest they eye me in my dark skin of night.
the dark skin of shame burnin old flames just for what i need tonight.
im pointin the gun at someone i souldnt but your not here to see it.your not here to feel it,
and for all i could wish its not going to happenin.
i said to much now i cant kiss your good self no more.
i said to little now your gone and its dark,
but the cold is good and wat do you want me to do?
i mean serouly do you even think of me.
im strung out lookin the water dephs. the bottem offers clues.
the sinkin feelin offers help.
the water offers a excape. the water cools.
but im a sucker for a sob story and im sucker for love too.
but tonight nothing will do and i know there is no point waken in anothers bed
cause its still you i will be thinkin of when it gets uncomfortable after releasen the hounds,
when we get no holds barred.

but then i came round on the stairs and we huged and hopfully everything will be ok after all...

riot on a empty street while your heart doesnt miss a beat.

Bored and anger strikes,
This last cup of tea has set me over the edge tonight.
What ever happend were did the good times go?
Were ever what ever if you could just let me know.
Random lovers lips fill voids but leave empty mind.
And empty mind give the mind to much time to think about,
Whats going on were ever did the good times go?
Im Itchy and beggin, but then again I souldnt lower myself.
So Im tryin to stand up...
I passed your work on the bus
But things dont change,
Time moves to quick and seconds taken minutes which turn to hours.
I am blockin out the outside world for a moment tryin to restore.
But the goodness has gone, heart cold, im to old.
I seen things and rember times, but now time has taken it all away.
To young to give up, but its hard to know were to start.
Im usen you to cut myself tonight.
The blade offers release and cuts soo deep like remarks,
Like the dark.
Yer all heart yer all right, but were are you tonight?
I've had years to waste, I've had to much time to wait.
Im ready but you dont know me.
And i would tell you everything, im a open book.
But i wish i had that last kiss, wish i had that special place.
But now winter nights bring the cold,
And i know i have to start again but its to much for the old.
And im to young to take the wait,
To young to take the strain, to young to lift this weight alone.
The cold breaks me slow im lost and its yours now,
My every waken thought.
Callin out in the dark night,
Fingers burn from the cold the tounge sore from the bite.
Would you lay in my arms while i play the sadest songs i could find
Just to let you know whats on my mind.
The tissues takes a beatin,
Hi how are you im still waitin,
Five minutes more,
Im less, i feel the need to confess,
I need more then you can give
And i give more then you can receive.
This isnt the best situation but trust me give it time
Tho its already gone and i find im just talkin to myself again

Glue bags at dawn. im not holdin on..

Its crazy how a memories can be so real, that if you close your eyes tight enought you can touch it, i can still feel her soft skin but sadly i have long forgot the feel of her lips. tho they do infact still keep me awake. but she is glady no longer my heartbreak and sleepless nights, tho she does infact still feel safe..

But i still can rember that cold night. the one were it was snowin. i wanted to go to the untouched snow in the park she didnt she wanted to keep to the root more traveled. im sure there is a lession right there somewere. but we went hafe my way and the rest her way. when we got to hers we watched a shit movie, it had jonny dep in it, i thought it would be like staircase of echos, but it wasnt. the rest of the night i cant rember. tho i dont think we fought.