Spud

 I'm a fool gale,

To think love is enough.

Because the thing about

People like me,

Well we will always

Be lost.

We were lost as a child.

Lost in day dreams,

A place we didn't need to hide.

And I know I'm an embarrassment

To young Fergus.

I can never get it right.

Can't grow out of this

Mind frame,

Head space,

Can't outgrow or put to rest

The trauma and abuse

Of youth.

I always get it wrong gale,

I'm not use.

I'm only holding you back,

An embarrassment to say the lest.

I can't tame this animal,

Hunted by a dark beast.

The uppers and downers

Can numb for only so long.

But I always have to return.

And it gets no better,

Just seems worse.

The sadness of my mother's eyes

When she caught me

Stealing from her purse.

You're both better off with out me.

Then you can try and forget the worse.

Just please when you think off me,

Don't think of the worse.

Coming up

 I feel silent tears

As I'm making it to the counter

In the shop

Buying beers. 

No cheers, 

No pats on the back. 

The only way is down, 

And the possibility 

I won't be able this time

To get back up.

I'm hurting, 

And hurting more then just me. 

The dog gives me sad eyes. 

While I feel woe is me. 

My worse foe is me. 

My days tired 

from 

Over thinking.

No longer binge drinking. 

I just spread it out

Through out the week. 

It takes everything not 

To call in sick. 

Everything it takes 

Just not to give up. 

Just to get in the shower 

Just got to keep it together, 

It's near the weekend 

And payday is coming up. 

You

 I'm hurting bad.

More then I can admit. 

I can't make sense of all this. 

The sore nose, 

Ripped bags and empty bottles 

Hold no clues. 

No one cares. 

It's just you. 

It will get better

The hurts too great for the mind to take.

So excuse me while I numb myself.

Nothing really stops the hurt, 

The mind never stops, 

And the everything just gets worse. 

No holiday, no doctors letter. 

Just debt and friends telling you

It will get better. 

What else would you do?

Talking to myself,

Laying close to the wall. 

The shadows of the night 

Stroke my skin 

While a tears falls. 

Regrets often snowball. 

but I can never refuse, 

Another late night arguing with myself,

About things that I can't change, 

But what else is there to do?

Is now okay?

 Is now okay?

I'm up for a good time, 

But don't have the time or money. 

The joke isn't funny anymore. 

The nights are long when you can't sleep. 

Chest sore. 

Useless heart. 

Turn off the big light. 

The bed seems smaller than I remember, 

When someone else is there. 

And it doesn't matter

How much I toss and turn. 

The birds will soon be singing. 

Telling me I've fucked up. 

That morning is almost here, 

And it's time to get up,

For round 2.

The things you wish you could forget, 

But you'll still do. 

Heat the plate and buy a few beers. 

You don't cry, 

But you do shed a few tears. 

The saddest songs

Lined up in a row. 

Just to push the feeling, 

And let the feeling grow. 

Let the nose run, 

Forget dinner. 

No rest for the wicked, 

And nowhere to run. 

Pain in the chest.

 The party has to end.

And normal life resume. 

9 to 5 is calling, 

And Monday comes too soon. 

Your chest gives you scares, 

Your heart beats abit too hard. 

But by Wednesday 

You'll be ready to party hard. 

You never grow out of 

Drinking to excess. 

No hangover can beat the feeling 

Of dancing with your friends. 

No Monday blues 

Will ever make you quit. 

Because no matter how low you feel

You fuking love it. 

Quiting is for losers. 

The music never ends. 

And just forget the pain 

You feel in your chest

And take one of these. 

The party never starts round here

 I'm hurting and it feels no one cares.

Saying things but no one wants 

To read hear those words. 

No one wants to stop the party. 

Even if the party is just for one. 

It will be okay, 

Just get to bed before the sun. 

I'm holding my wound, 

Showing how deep it is. 

But it seems I'm alone. 

Running away from the hurt and pain.

When you honest 

Your invites to parties disappear. 

No one wants to stop dancing, 

Or face reality or truth. 

So the scars you have are too much, 

To see, 

So they don't want to look. 

A open book. 

This party isn't helping me. 

Just One more.

 The thing about one,

Is that their is always a strong need 

For one more. 

Even if you are broke 

Or working tomorrow. 

Even if your dearest loved one

Is in hospital and dying. 

Even if your so tired you can't think. 

Even when you are fuked due to the cold

And need rest and sleep. 

One more is a beast, 

That hunts the best of intentions. 

The just one and I'm going home, 

The I've got work tomorrow. 

And I've so much to do. 

But one more is a struggle, 

That often wins over you. 

Leads you astray. 

Ruins your plans 

And fuks your week ahead. 

A beast thst doesn't care. 

Keeps dial a drink busy

And dealers active, 

With texts of

Just one more. 

Something I said?

 He who loves the most, regrets the most.

As I imagine other lifetimes

when things worked out a little better,

and I wasn't so wet behind the ears.

And your tears weren't so salty,

And I said what it was 

That you needed to hear.

And it's okay if its not perfect.

Alright to sometimes 

To colour outside the lines

And it's hard not to fight it.

But life doesn't work 

If I'm scared all the time.

Which leaves me

sad that in this universe

I couldn't make it work,

And the love I had 

Turned to hurt. 

Like a rope tied to tight, 

A dim light. 

Overthinking was it something I said? 

Old songs and unlicked bags

 Put the bag away,

To lick some other day. 

The fleeting high. 

The short time I have 

That I can do and get 

The every growing list 

Ticked off 

Slowly, 

But at lest one task. 

Sleep won't come easy. 

It might not come at all. 

And work is a growing pressure. 

In mind wondering do they know? 

The ever running nose

As the twinkle in my eyes 

Dims, 

The skip in my step 

Slowly but surely 

Is no longer there. 

Weekends and paydays. 

Nothing else but hurt. 

Friends and family gone, 

So I try and make it work. 

But it isn't the same. 

No one to send these songs to. 

No one shared these memories 

But us. 

And you left me, 

With a weight off heart break and loss. 

Still look for you at Christmas, 

And other family affairs. 

We all lose someone at some point, 

But it never seems fair. 

And now I'm lost myself. 

Weekends and paydays. 

The sun doesn't shine as bright. 

The weekends don't last as long. 

And payday is over quick. 

Playing in the red. 

Just to feel alive. 

But the gas only last so long, 

Before the heating dies. 

The water runs cold. 

The view from my room

Well it's shit. 

So, I just keep looking

Towards weekends and paydays, 

With no one to share 

those memories and old songs with. 

What number are you?

 Depression strikes,

Everyone is a stranger.

What your normal?

What song makes you cry?

What keeps you going when times are tough?

What motivates you to stay alive?

What medictes you?

What numbs the pain?

Do not get pissed off by all the rain?

Does your nose not run?

How do you sleep at night?

Do you get your five a day?

Do you actually give a fuk about any celebrity?

Like who will give a fuk when you die?

What your favorite colour?

We are all just another number. 

Sunday dinner

 Vicks, sweaty hugs and firm handshakes.

Your jaw break dancing til it aches.

Hands in the air when the piano breaks.

There is no religion, race

Or the other things used to separate us

When we are on the dance floor,

Everyone yeeeoooos the same,

Everyone there to escape the Grey clouds,

The 9 to 5 and half hour lunch break.

Your soon to be favorite song plays,

As you dance with your squad,

Your chosen family.

A life time of memories,

As the next song comes in.

And you can't help share everything.

Not even thinking about

 how much gravy you'll need

To make it through Sunday lunch/dinner,

Because tonight you're onto a winner.

My only sin.

 Point 4, point at the door.

Words don't matter anymore.

They take away the things you love,

With a wicked cackle.

The things you believed

Would never leave,

The things you invested

Your life in. 

For the Memories to be burnt. 

And I'll never learn.

A beautiful face,

A drum circle.

Stolen moments.

I'll never learn.

A love stole away

And memories burnt

By witches pretending to be friends. 

I'm sorry I let them win. 

I loved you so much. 

Was my only sin. 

The weekend warriors

 The party never ends

When your pockets are

Full of fun.

Everyone glad to see you,

When you have something

That they want.

Handshakes and smiles,

Til the pockets

Are empty.

And those friendly faces

No longer look so friendly.

You outstayed your welcome.

But are always welcomed back.

But just as long as you have

What they want.

The weekend lasts forever,

And everyone's your friend.

As long as you can supply

All the things,

Then you're always welcome

Doors always open.

That is if you can't meet the need

If not then 

 Please don't call.

Singing to Noone

 Nightshift, or so it feels

During the dark days.

The devil dust keeps me awake.

The heart broke so many times,

The lines help me forget.

I sniff til my nose is sore.

Message everyone and more.

But no one answers back,

I'm alone, and not for the first time.

I don't look at myself in the mirror,

Not that I hate my face.

Just I don't want to see

Why no one calls me a friend, 

Is it cause I'm ugly? 

But sure it's far from the end.

No fat ladies singing,

Na I'm the only one with a song.

And I'll keep singing to no one.

The dog wants to go to bed

 The dog wants to go to bed.

I'm too lost in my head. 

Shadow boxing my old fights. 

Blind to my own downward spiral

That lead me here tonight, 

My hurt leading the way. 

I invited it to stay. 

We don't talk. 

Awkward, 

Looking at my phone or the wall. 

Too hurt to forgive, 

Too lost in the dark. 

Not too many chances, 

Drowning in my own sadness. 

Scared of things I can't see. 

Picking a scab that won't heal. 

Sleeping late, 

Finding it hard to have a reason to get up.

I'm my own worse enemy 

But I don't give up. 

There is more to life, 

Got to be. 

Soothe someone 

And use my hurt as their therapy. 

Another drink isn't the remedy. 

Face not recognized

 Dreaming's cheating,

What are you at this weekend?

Self harm and over thinking.

Deappreciation.

But if I'm lucky some self medication.

Wondering if it's a cry for help?

Or am I just missing

A different world.

Longing to log out.

No ads for things I think about.

No friends requests

From spamming djs

Latest mix I never listen to anyway.

The quiet one from school,

Your sure would be a

Murderer one day.

Ads for things we don't need.

Posts from people

Who we never before seen.

The next viral vid, joke

Meme or something.

While we sit alone watching

Dreaming's cheating

Fluoxetine, 

Numbs you til everything is fine.  

No downs yet no Ups, 

No escape, 

No one to wake up beside in the morning 

And no help to or reason to sleep.  

Dreaming's cheating. 

What are you doing this weekend?

Self harm and over thinking! 

And I ask 

How do you know if it's a cry for help?  

And who will hear when your  

Arej ust by yourself?  

So I close the window it's cold. 

Another beer to soothe the soul. 

Lick the bag and try to keep some control.

For hell is a damaged person

Who has lost control. 

Eternal fire in a addicts eyes.

As they no longer get high, 

Just get further away from themselves. 

And closer to hell.

It's easy to laugh til the moment

You also fall. 

Only love

 I can do you what you need.

Can you tell me why it hurts to breath?

Why I'm lost in my own company?

How I lost touch with my own family?

How the things I enjoyed 

Don't really matter to me?

Why the harder I try the deeper the rut?

Why the sniff is my only love? 

Hole

 Hole in the soul

Against the tide

9 to 5 blues

Dead mans shoes

But that's alright

Because we can't sleep at night.

Up all night we got demons to fight.

The call of the void keeps us awake.

The bitter taste of a wanted loves 

Like bitter lemonade.

The sun cracks a new day.

Make the most of every moment

They grow to quick,

Last call at the hug and pint

As my nose drips.

Excitement as the taxi is pretty quick. 

Try to get the back seat,

As talking I don't want to be the one

Asking the driver are they busy

Or long into his shift. 

Finally get where we plan to b, 

The party is in full swing.

Grabbed by the hand

And jump in with both feet. ,

Its okay, I have a warm embrace. 

So we spend the nite 

Talking shite,

As we knew would be part of the plan

Then on to puttinf the world to right

Taking up resident in the kitchen,

Which was

Amazing to say the lest

Til the sun comes up

To remind us we have to leave.

The random

 There's a point 4,

That keeps on calling me. 

Could sniff a gram 

Pretty easily. 

Every party I make, 

Everyones my best friend. 

All great to the drugs wear off again. 

Maybe in a hour I'll settle down. 

Another taxi and I'm gone again. 

The random at the party I'll always be. 

Everyones my friend 

Telling me, 

Your the best craic, 

My new best friend. 

Then my phone bleeps 

And I'm gone again. 

Maybe in a hour I'll settle down. 

Always the random, 

But when you got the bag 

The party never ends.