Sunday, 26 December 2010

I have been quiet watchin the world and it realy doesnt love me no longer which is hard on my ego.

The highs and lows of someone you know.
Up and its full throttle and off we go.
When im low and pretendin to be dead
eyes cant open long enough and temper leads my head,
you wish I was someone else insted.
I would love to run away just to let you be
but everywere is so uninviten,
and I would talk if I wasnt so unexciten.
Just keepin my head above water long enought
for you to witness my final breath
till i cant sleep at night for fear my love wont love my back
and the night time black is all thats left.

Thursday, 21 October 2010


So right I probly should try and put the whole Toronto tail into words!

Hard to think were to start.

Probly best tryin from the start.

Well I got on the plane from london, ofcourse the night before I fucked my phoned clock up and so it was two hours behind luckly enought my girlfriend texted to tell me she didnt have something I thought I might need for the trip, which then awoke me. So it ment no shower! Great way to start with a 7 hour flight ahead. So no breakfast and got to the place met up with the people and then through the machines were I always get serched hard due to the pin in my leg! Melt!!

Got through and got breakfast, I wont go into more but I got talking to people thinkin it is what I will have to do from now on try and talk to people in order to make friends and also get a job sorted. I went with bunic which sort out the visa and such things for you, so I tryed talkin to peeps I seen who were part of this. Well flight was sound, was a wee young jap dude beside me who was on the bunic thing as well and so got talkin to him.

So landin we all grouped together and had to sort out the bus, we were told we had to phone some bus. The magic bus it was called. O how we laughted as we tryed to sort this out. So the magic bus came and it was a yellow bus, now i laughted it was a spaz bus called the yellow bus!

Infact this is takin to long so will get to the good bits. So aye the hostel was shit hole. Tho the weather was great. But yea the smell in the kitchen of the hostel was weird and near made me sick a few times, this is even when not hungover. So I booked the other hostel as soon as I could.

Sadly in canada pints seemed more Dublin prices which is like $7 or $8 for a pint of strongbow and then a $1 tip which is big money if you ask me. I found one bar I liked which was the fox and fiddle. They had great karioke nights on Monday, the first time I went I touched for or was touched for a young lady who asked for my number.

So I texted this young lady some time later and asked what she was at. She replyed "I am doing my homework!" This worried me!! As a 30 year old! So I texted back "what age are you??" Luckly enought she was 20 and doing a makeup course or something.

So I also had the problem of tryin to get a job this trip wasnt all fun!! So I left in CVs in a few places, there was two bong stores (who wouldnt want to sell bongs and pipes!!) then also a sex shop which I think I fucked up as I didnt give me self ten out of ten for customer service when asked(Igive myself 7 and a hafe, at first but it would go up to ten when i am more use to the store). On the lower end was McDs and dish washin jobs. But yeah noone got back to me not once! all I got was a wrong number!!

So most of my time was spent tryin to sort out a job and at nights reading, I got through I think four or five books in a month as I didnt make many friends. Tbh the most weird things or things worth talkin about happend when I was drunk, which also seemed to happenin at the fox and fiddle on a monday night.

I think it was the second time I went to the fox and fiddle I had a few bottles of cider before I left the hostel and then a few more in the bar, then (and this is what always finished me off) had a pitcher of beer. I drink really fast and cant be botherd holdin such things as pitchers so end up not knowin I am drunk as it catches up with me. So on this night I black out and the first thing I rember is being down the street from the hostel and going through some door and up stairs were there is a dude sittin and he says I have to sign the book before I can go in so I sign it then he says I have to put what union I am in and I am all go on let me in, but he doesnt. So I end up going down the stairs and walkin around this places lookin for another way into the upstairs room I was turned away from. This is all while pissin over the floor in the dirty protest!!

So in the end I go upstairs and out to the door into the street were I find a few dudes talkin away one bein a older gent with gray hair. I get talkin to them about who knows what when the older gent goes in and I follow, when we get to the dude in the door he signs and I ask him what is the union he tells me and I get in. There is food and drink and madly it is all free I am having the time off my life and then the older gent comes to me and tells me I have to leave I have been found out!

So I go and I think I can recall stealin the fire extinguisher and then being on face book leaven a status update that made my dad ask was I on drugs and my girlfriend stop talkin to me for a few days!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Well I am back and have a few storys to tell but that is later and this is now.

I feel to much for the world, to forward to the future yet not seen, my humour alien in a world full of aliens...............

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Tornoto and no were to go!

So I have moved to Tronoto, and it is hard going. I am mostly alone and havent really made any friends sadly.

also add to this last night i went to a bar in hope of making friends and got talkin to some dude who was weird, i was worried he might be tryin to chat me up. we talked about strippers and he said they are all just in it for the money now. anyway he offerd to buy me a drink i was all na as i wasnt sure if this dude was on the touch or just bein friendly and i didnt wish to find out the hard way exsue the pun. but so he went on so i went yea ok. and so we chatted more then he went to the toilet and never returned so i drank his drink.

afterwards i returned to the hostel and went on facebook and talked about the evenin and how i felt sayin how i foudn it hard here but didnt wish to return to belfast as there was nothing there for me!! but i had forgot my girlfriend rosie!!

i got a message on facebook today from her sayin how upset she is and how she thought i was making a dick out of her. i tryed textin then callin but her phone is now off.

this has left me feeling really down and i am findin it hard to keep it together as rosie has been my crutch and my rock and has more or less nursed me back to the person i once was if a little less!

so i am at a loss of what to do as she is to far away to get to...................

ffs women...........................

Monday, 21 June 2010

Eye of the Tiger......

My wondering eye, tho i know the trouble i cant help but look past and to your side.
My stare bares to cut your better day.
Stealin the sun and throwin caution away.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010


So I am hittin a week of no wankin over porn, and today is the worse day. Porn is all I can think of and how great it would be to see those naked bodies....

It will for sure be worth it, wont it?

Monday, 10 May 2010

My problem is that i have lived a blog insted of a life...

Well it is joy i have found my self in a relsonship, which means the findin of a girlfriend isnt a stress i bear thank goodness! Someone holdin you is probly one of the greastest things ever. So we enjoy long walks and cooking, she does the dishies i crack the jokes its a match made in heaven. Tho as everything we started haven sex and the first night was grand barr it taken ages for me to cum. The second night i couldnt atall and lost my erection a few times leadin to such worry you would not believe.

See on my mind is why is this happenin? Is this due to just stress? Is it me? My age? Her?

Realy it was just non stop worry, but i also linked it to the fact i have been wankin non stop over internet porn for some time! And thought to myself what if i am so used to the exstreams of internet sex normal sex wouldnt do it for me atall?

So I am on day three of no internet porn, its going well..........................

Wednesday, 10 March 2010


I was thinkin of taken up smoken the dopez again so i can see the inside of my mind, to find out whats realy going on inside, but im scared of what i might find, if it would be to much and send me over the edge and out to lunch. and that is just a start see i rember panic attacks and broken hearts. the black grows with every tired day, im tryin hard but my enimies wont go away. so does god hear when i pray. i ask for forgiveness but noone answers me. lost and alone, wishin i was home while home so it makes me think were is my home as this doesnt feel right.

And as you can see i defo need soemthing to chill me out

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Its horrible being sick all the time

So its creepin back in.
The darkness i have feared for so long has returned.
The dark of your eyes as i try to find the white. Wake Up.
Its been dark for to long and now i cant help but sleep throught the light.
Im fucked cause this cant be life. My best days are well behind.
The day to day leaves me less with noone to hear my cry.
Would you could you be my trusty tissue tonight.
as ever i have to face this endless night the torture to be myself by myself
such a fight but could i be free by midnight to dream away the days.
So dont wake me please, let me lay, and if i wake let me lie.
For if you knew would you let it go,
and if you could would you catch those tears or let them fall.
Steal my skys and and give me your beautiful lies,
in bows and and out with the tide.
Did I tell you how much i dont want you but need you by my side to face daylight.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Who Are you Tonight? Hopelessly Devoted

I've been silly, i've been thinkin about you again,
thinkin what it would be like to burn that old flame.
your names on my tounge, shame what have i done,
everything, still its not enought.
so as always time taken to much of too little.
its always the same,
fuck me will this ever end?
so im tryin to sleep, but your keepin me awake.
from a distance i can feel, like i used to.
but feelins are still a little numb,
and im wondern if you could help.
a text there or maybe a email.
or i could even call to your home.
but that wouldnt be on after so long
the feelins you had are long gone.
its just im holdin on as ever
fightin the good fight in my head all day long
but its not in my favour and in the end noones won.