Sorry for being me

There goes my fun.

Last line done.

Sniffing in hope

To cling on

To the last of the high

The last of the fun.

Don't want to check

My bank balance.

Don't want to turn

the music off.

Monday is getting closer,

And so are my problems.

The sniff eased it

If but for a moment.

I didn't have to be me.

Alone with the dog

I pretend I'm someone else.

Sending messages off

That tomorrow I'll wish wasn't me.

Telling people I love them.

But only for them to disagree.

For love is too much,

And my cup is overflowing

So can't wait to share.

But everyone is suspicious,

Because life is never fair.

Preying to god

God don't like ugly,

It was written. 

Only the beautiful get into heaven. 

I'm sure when I prey 

He doesn't listen. 

Being alone isn't promised freedom. 

Trying gets hard, 

And then I prey to God 

Share pain

 It's been nice getting to know you

You've been a pleasent surprise.

I'm just about to call k cabs 

For the 5th time.

This beer is getting flat,

And the sun is starting to shine

It's been a great night to share 

Out Trauma over buckfast wine.

God

What if God don't love me?

I'm too complex.

He doesn't listen when

I pray,

All wtf is this?

Doesn't get the joke.

Doesn't understand.

Doesn't listen

When I pray,

Doesn't care for my problems.

Doesn't want to lend a helping hand.

Doesn't care for my tears.

Doesn't hear me

When I'm preying for better days. 

What if God doesn't care for the weak?

If yoy aren't good enough,

Then he doesn't hear when you speak.

What if God doesn't care if yoy are kind?

He just wants you to believe,

And as long as you say sorry

He doesn't mind.

What if God doesn't look after 

All the kids?

Doesn't hear when they

Ask for help with

Abuse and a end to

Hurt that they face.

What if God isn't all we have been told?

I mean the devil let's you in

And doesn't make you

Have to believe in the unknown.

Doesn't make you say sorry.

Or make you believe.

You can come in

As you be.

Npc

 Npc

Vessel in vain,

Can you be human

With out a heart

Or brain?

Doesn't care

If isn't white.

2 weeks in Spain,

Chips as a side every night.

Would even try the local beer.

They are Scared to dance,

Cause they might be seen as qu33r.

Haven't cried since primary school,

And won't ever,

Because the soulless don't cry.

How can you love when you are empty inside?

Good

 Who's still partying?

Cause I'm wrecked.

It was a good run,

But life catches up,

And your dues need to be collected.

Cheating is eating,

And we are runing out of fegs.

The light weights are gone,

Only the true heavyweights left.

The stereo seems out of sorts.

Dail a drink unfortunately don't supply antidepressants.

I should of left,

But I love the madness.

We are all the same

 Everybody struggles,

But not everybody says.

If I could, I'd love to light your dark days.

Chase the bad thoughts away.

But Sunday comes too quick,

And Monday is every other day.

The blues make it hard to breath.

The pursuit of happiness,

In the worse way,

Everyone a friend,

Til the come down appears.

Then the Sunday darkness,

The Monday fear.

Call a taxi I'm out of here.

Pretty serious

 Turn off the TV and stop all the clocks.

We've given up on tomorrow,

Turned off our phones 

After 

We sniffed the lot.

The plate, knife, card and bag.

All licked to an

Unbelievable degree.

Not a speck left

As someone lights

The last cigarette.

And calls a taxi.

The buzz and static

As the speakers play low.

The sad realization

You aren't going

To get your hole.

And your beds cold.

And bank card bent.

What a beautiful end

To another weekend.

Bleed

 I sit with a runny nose

Exposed, I can't hide.

Felt so low, so i

Always want to get high.

Either that or hide.

Can't work out why?

I'm talking, but no one

Understands me.

So I stand at a distance

Watching people laugh

With out me.

The grass always greener.

Til I get to it.

Then it's just like before,

Just shit.

Try to explain myself,

But to fond of over sharing.

I try to hold back,

Try to learn.

Dry your eyes mate,

It's not your fault

You're hurting.

Dry your eyes mate,

The beg isn't helping.

It won't save you.

Clean your nose

Get some sleep.

My nose drips on my shirt

As I try to cling on to this high.

Don't care about tomorrow.

The depression stole that, 

And so all I want is the high.

Another beg late in the night.

I won't sleep,

As another part of me dies.

The need to great,

Hate being alone.

Noone to call,

Life captured in poems.

Words like the scars,

Deep,

But you got to let them bleed. 

It doesn't matter.

 I see the hurt in your eyes,

But they win when your soul dies.

The pain plays on your mind,

Can't sleep then can't get up,

Life feels like a waste of time.

Bill's and dust gather,

The memories hurt

But you keep them close

Like a blade to cut yourself

When your weak,

Your scars speak.

Your hurt hunts you

Like a ghost

With no need to speak.

You've heard it all.

And it is always the same.

And it doesn't stop the pain.

Doesn't slow the thoughts

Your mind running wild.

No one understands,

So alone,

As your mind over thinks

And tricks you

To make everything bad.

To make a maze with no way out.

To fill your person with

An awful doubt.

To the point you can move,

As everywhere you go

It chases you.

Your own mind

A traitor,

Turned on you.

Unfortunately

This life

Too easy to be fooled

Phone me

 Staring at the phone

Likes it's going to tell me

Something I don't know.

Looking at it for three days straight

Like a lost lover I can't let go.

The message bleep

Dopamine release.

But chasing the glide

Of a the cut from new scissors

It will never last.

The TV plays in the background

As the phone steals

My focus and time.

New diet.

Recipes for your airfrier,

God loves a trier,

The booze loves you

And lures you in.

The need for release

Trying to find peace

For a mind that doesn't stop

And a battle you can't win.

You don't know what to talk about. 

You don't know the rules.

You try to work it out

But it's not them it's you. .

Maybe try and not take things to heart.

Let the past go.

Stop carrying everything.

Because the weight keeps you low.

The day tomorrow, and the joy it brings

 The worse is bringing booze to bed,

Cause the dogs raging.

Seeing the empty bottles

After a night of no sleeping.

I got the recipe wrong.

Not enough booze to shut me down.

No sleep and a runny nose,

I wonder does everyone in work know?

As I can't help another big sniff,

Like a cheer for the night before.

Blowing my nose,

But it doesn't stop it from running more.

Vision blurred

And I could sack it all in

Just for an hour in bed.

At lest I'm not paranoid,

Because the boss is

Always staring at me,

So I know it isn't in my head.

Frozen pizza blues

I've got the frozen pizza blues,

The weekend before payday.

The money doesn't stretch the same way,

Can't afford to go out,

Can't afford to put the heating on.

Extra pair of socks and no shoulder to cry on

Hide

 What you need?

Another half. 

Shits and giggles, 

And everything is fuk it, 

It is a problem I'll deal with tomorrow. 

Trying to feel better. 

Just so much hurt. 

Sure we'll cry about it tomorrow. 

And hide the hurt. 

Monday you

 You're a poet and we all know it.

But fuk me,

I've work tomorrow

And can't be bothered,

To work out

Is this a suicide note,

A poem,

Or a riddle for buried treasure

Or just a woe is me.

Will you be hanging from a tree

Or a message laughing manically?

No chill isn't good on a Monday.

Headlights

Rabbit in your headlights,

Hypnotized by the spotlight, 

Mouth dry and not a clean glass in sight. 

Bank balance in the red, 

And a restful sleep won't be tonight. 

But still something keeps you out. 

Monday will come 

With noise and bright lights. 

Sore back and nose that

Keeps running with no tissue in sight.

And all the time I look like a

Rabbit in your headlights,

Counting down my time

In the spotlight.

Bed is so far,

And my stomach still doesn't feel right. 

Taxi

 Born slipping,

The sun is coming up,

And the birds are starting to sing.

“Time to go home"

They sing and I agree,

But I'm locked in and too paranoid

To leave the party.

What if they all hate me?

If I go they'll all slabber and berate me.

Does everyone really hate me?

Eyes wonder and look back

To the last few cigarettes in the pack.

The beer flavourless and over fizzy.

"OK, can someone order me a taxi?"

Alcohol and drugs

Want me to save the world 

I don't understand.

How can you expect this of one man?

Holding on to everything with sore hands.

I wish I could be a kid again 

And forget the things 

That left me scarred and sad.

The fear of growing up with out a dad.

The conflict of a mother's jealousy.

The suffocating shyness.

The feeling of being wrong.

Just for the things you love

To be taken away

And the things you shared,

Now you hold on to them alone.

The loneliness grows as you get old.

Your world gets smaller.

Less handshakes and hugs.

Less understanding,

And more alcohol and drugs. 

The time you lost

Yolo,

But it still hurts, 

Try to unwind, 

But that isn't how my mind works. 

No chill, 

I find hard to sleep. 

Friday I could do with a early night. 

But I can't help following

The self destructive needs. 

The hours past quick, 

And the high never lasts.

And I lie when anyone asks,

"how are you?"

For what would being honest do?

What do I have to prove?

The trick is not to get obsessed

With all the times you lose.